Medal of Honor
by ElizabethAnne1
Summary: Steph is left alone to deal with the fall-out of a disastrous deployment. AU, M for language.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I'm working on chapter 14 of Ranger's Rangers, but I had PMS and I needed to write…this. It's tragic and sad, but I didn't want any of my hormonal misery to spill over onto my two favorite love birds. So this is what came out when I sat down to write. Also, this is the prologue for a future story…it's not as bad as it seems. If you're anything like me you might need a tissue…I needed a few when I wrote it. **

Did I ever tell you how much it hurts when I think about you? I know I should be proud of who you were, of your bravery, of your sacrifice for your country. But sitting here looking at the folded flag on the mantle, I feel it all over again. We'd only been married a month when you were deployed. _I_ didn't even know yet that we'd managed to get pregnant. It must have happened right after our little wedding. They never told me much about the incident, all I know is that you and your team were rescuing hostages in some tiny village in the mountains of Afghanistan. When that fire broke out you made sure that everyone was out of the building before it collapsed. You saved 57 people that day. But I'm so fucking angry with you for not keeping your promise to me. You didn't come home. YOU DIDNT COME HOME!

Your son looks so like you. It kills me to look at him sometimes. He has your exact smile, dimples and all. He's one today and I'm supposed to be getting ready for his birthday party. But all I can do is sit here writing this letter to you. You're never going to see it though are you?

Sometimes at night, I lay in our bed in that space between waking and sleeping, I swear I can feel you or hear your voice. But when I open my eyes you're not there. I usually wear one of your old shirts, but they don't smell like you anymore.

I miss you so fucking much.

I wrote down every tiny little thing about carrying and giving birth to our little boy. You're mom took pictures the entire time in the delivery room and in every one of me and later of me and him there's this little ball of light next to us. Where you there? Did you see it all? You hadn't been allowed contact with anyone during your mission, you didn't even know about him before _it_ happened.

He's the only thing that keeps me going. He's perfect, all chubby cheeks and legs and so big for his age. He hardly ever cries, he smiles all the time. He's started walking already, and he's got so many words. Our moms fuss over him like you wouldn't believe. He's already got enough clothes and toys to last until he's at least five. I've got them all boxed up and ready to pull out for when he's big enough. I framed your Medal of Honor and hung it on the wall behind the rocker in the nursery. He looks at it over my shoulder when I'm nursing him. I can't look at it though, it just reminds me of what's been taken away from us. I'm so fucking bitter. I know I shouldn't have been so blindsided by this, we knew that it was always a possibility, but I was.

Did you know they sent two of your squad mates to tell me? I knew why they were there as soon as I opened the door. It was so fucking bad. They were wearing their dress blues and I flashed back to our wedding. Walking down the aisle towards you in that same beautiful uniform. I remembered how giddy I was and how you looked happier than I'd ever seen you, the way you kissed me after the priest said we were married.

When they said those awful words I remember rubbing my little baby bump and thinking that it all had to be a mistake, that there was no way we could go from the euphoria of a few months ago, to this…utter desolation just like that. The two marines looked at my hand on my stomach and must have known. I got so angry with them for knowing about our baby before you that I screamed at them to leave. I slammed the door in their faces as they tried to tell me about bereavement services. I didn't care. All I knew was that you were gone, that the promise you made the night before you left was broken. We'd been so desperate for each other that night, like we couldn't get close enough. Maybe you knew, maybe that promise was to yourself as much as it was to me.

They told your mom as well that day, she hasn't recovered either, the baby helps her too though. She's brought me so many pictures of you when you were a little. She can't get over the resemblance either.

My mom and dad showed up for dinner on that awful day, to find me still sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, couldn't speak. The next few weeks were really, really bad. I'd wake up in the morning and think 'he'll be home soon' and then I'd remember, and I would cry. Our families and friends were always with me, but I'd never felt so alone before.

I don't know why today, a day of celebration of the life we created, has me so sad. I should be happy that I have this amazing little boy in my life, not wallowing in this overwhelming grief. When will it end? When will I get to a place when I don't think about you all the time? When will this hole in my chest heal up?

I miss you,

I love you,

Stephanie

**AN 2:umm…so yeah, it's not as bad as it seems okay? Keep that in mind.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: This will be the only update on this for a few weeks. I really need to concentrate on finishing up Ranger's Rangers.**

**Any recognizable characters are the property of their respective owners. This plot, however, is all mine.**

"Mamamamamamam." I looked over at the monitor screen. Sure enough, little man was awake. I scrubbed a tissue over my cheeks and folded up the letter. I tucked it behind the flag case on the mantle and traced my finger over my husband's handsome face in our wedding picture.

"Mamamamamamama." He sounded a little more urgent now, so I hurried up to his room. Opening the door and seeing his two-toothed, drooly grin at my sudden appearance lifted my spirits like you wouldn't believe.

"Hey baby boy! How was your nap sweetheart?" I cooed at him.

"Mama!"

"Are you stinky? Do you need a new diaper?" He just smiled some more. He was standing against the side of the crib, hands outstretched waiting for me to pick him up. I carried him to his changing table and unsnapped his sleeper. He was growing so quickly that it was already time to retire this one, his poor little toes were all scrunched up in the feet of it. I managed to clean him up with only one escape attempt and sat down in the rocker to feed him. We were in the process of weaning him from three feedings to two, and sure enough after five minutes he was done and wiggling to get down. I set him down and fixed my shirt. He immediately crawled over to his crib, used it to pull up and toddled back to me, then tried to climb back in my lap without my help. We played this game at least three times a day. I think some kind of athletics are in his future, he'd rolled over at two months and hadn't stopped moving since! It was exciting to see him becoming a toddler. I was sad that his baby days were slipping away, but every day he did something new and more amazing than the one before.

I sat him on my lap and stroked his chubby cheek. He reached up and did the same to me.

"Mama!" He said delightedly. Smacking his little hand against me.

"Alex." I said touching his face softly. We were still working on being gentle.

I stood him up and blew a huge raspberry on his belly. I needed to hear his gorgeous laugh right now like I needed air. He didn't disappoint either, giggling madly. I swear it does something to me when I hear that. Like a bit of the heaviness that surrounds me most of the time flies away with each little giggle.

"Are you ready for your birthday sweet boy?" I said as I carried him downstairs. "Everybody is going to be here soon to see you. And you get to have your very own cake and presents from everyone! Do you know how much I love you? Mommy loves you, Nana and Nanny love you, Poppy and Grandad love you."

"Dadadadadadadadad." That had actually been his first real word a few months ago, it had nearly stopped my heart when he said it. I had been showing him pictures of his dad since he was just born, but I was still caught flatfooted when he first said it.

"Yes angel, Daddy loves you too." He squirmed and said, "dow!" so I set him down by his toys next to me and started working on icing the cooled cupcakes. He was babbling away to his teddy bear when the doorbell rang, so I scooped them both up and took them with me to answer it. I held Alex a little closer when I saw the tall silhouette through the screen door.

"Yes?" I didn't recognize him, but he definitely had a military bearing.

"Mrs. Morelli?"

"Can I help you?"

"Hi, I guess you don't remember me? I'm Lieutenant Manoso ma'am. I was in the same squad as your husband."

"Oh!" He looked between me and Alex for a second. "Is there something I can do for you Lieutenant?"

"I'm sorry ma'am. I see you're having a party today." He gestured to the balloons and streamers tied to the bottom of the front steps. "I don't want to intrude, but I wanted to come and check on you. See how you're doing. May I come in for a minute?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Of course." I held the door open for him. "Do you mind coming into the kitchen? I'm trying to finish getting everything ready."

"Not at all." He said following me down the hall and standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Would you like a drink? I've got all kinds for the party."

"Water would be great." I handed him a bottle from the fridge. "Thank-you ma'am." I was so not a ma'am.

"Please, it's Stephanie." He nodded.

"So this is your son?" He smiled at Alex. "He's very cute. His birthday?"

"Yep. My baby's one today! Right Alex?" Bouncing him on my hip. He gave me his grin and went back to his conversation with his teddy bear. "Are you no longer in the Marine Corps? You're in regular clothes."

"Not technically, I finished my last tour a few days ago, I'll be a reservist now. My family lives not far from here, but I wanted to stop and see how you're doing." He shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Ummm…I thought you might have been pregnant the day I came here with Private Santos, but I wasn't sure." _What?...Oh god! _"I'm sorry for the way we told you about Anthony. I thought about better ways of breaking the news to you for months after." He said contritely.

"I'm sorry…What?" I sat heavily in one of the chairs, heart pounding with the realization of who this man was.

"We asked that it be us to come tell you. We flew back with Anthony's casket to be debriefed. We wanted to tell you what happened. We thought that if you heard what a hero he was, and how brave he was that it would make it easier to hear. He saved my life ma'am, Private Santos too and so many others. We were so wrong, you were so distraught I don't think you heard any of what we were telling you. I couldn't believe that I let you slam the door in my face. I wanted to call someone to come be with you, but I had no idea who. I knocked a few times, but I could tell you couldn't hear me. I could see you through the glass on the door, sitting at the bottom of the stairs. We stood on your porch until an older couple got here, your parents?"

"Ummmm…yes I think so." I had no idea what to say to this man.

"I think your mom understood right away. I couldn't tell her anything though. We had to notify your mother in law as well, but beyond that we weren't authorized to tell anyone. Your dad told us to leave, that they would take care of you…I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a really good man and it was an honor to serve with him." I felt rage bubble up inside me and set Alex down with his toys again. Walking past where he was still standing in the doorway and into the hall, I turned and let that rage flow right out.

"You're sorry?" I said quietly. "_You're _sorry? You come to my house on my son's birthday. My son, who lost his father before he was even born because he saved your life…to tell me you're sorry for my loss?" I had to close my eyes and breathe deep for a second to not scream at him and startle Alex. "You need to leave. I know I have no right to be angry with you, but you know what? I don't fucking care!" I was whispering now, hoping Alex couldn't hear me. I invaded his space and looked him in the eye, even though he was quite a bit taller than me. "Get the hell out of my house, now."

"Steph?" My mom was standing warily by the front door. Laden with gifts and party supplies. "Who's this?" She said looking at the lieutenant.

"I served with Anthony, ma'am. I'm Lieutenant…Carlos Manoso."

"And he's just leaving." I said firmly.

"Stephanie!" My mother exclaimed, shocked at my rudeness.

"No ma'am, it's fine. I was just about to go." He turned to me. "I really am sorry. I'm going to leave my contact information here. If you need anything, please let me know." He placed a card on the hallway table and quickly left, and I found myself, once again, slamming my front door shut on him.

**AN: So, I just couldn't kill Ranger. I just couldn't do it! Also he's a marine. Have you ever seen those boys in their dress blues? Google it if you haven't…so yummy! **

**I sucked at review replies this week, I'm having TMJ issues and the meds my doc gave me have been zonking me out early every night. I'll work on them now.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**EA xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: So I'm a lying liar that lies. Lieutenant Manoso won't shut the hell up in my head. This is what came out when I sat down to write chapter 15 of Ranger's Rangers. Hopefully it explains his mindset to you. This poor guy has some serious guilt issues. Usually, my husband pre-reads for me, but he's going to be stuck at work until tomorrow morning because of the awful weather and I was anxious to post so…if its sucks be kind. This starts with his visit on Alex's birthday, but skips ahead (and back) later.**

**Any recognizable characters are the property of their respective owners. This plot, however, is all mine.**

RPOV

I had had a really bad feeling about going to see her, but I had to do it. I'd thought about the anguish I had caused this woman every day for over a year. I had to apologize and let her know that if there was anything I could do to help, that I was at her disposal.

Lieutenant Anthony Morelli and I had only ever served together for those last few months, but working so closely together our whole squad had become pretty tight. I could tell he was a good man and that he was deeply in love with his wife. He carried their wedding picture in his breast pocket of his uniform and would pull it out every so often. He showed it to me one night when we were both standing guard. She was a very beautiful bride and they looked incredibly happy and I told him exactly that.

Two days later he was gone.

We'd evacuated the entire building, disgusted at how many women had been held captive there. All of the captors were quickly eliminated, but one of them must have started the fire before he was shot. We could already smell the smoke coming from the rooms behind us. Santos, Brown and I were sweeping the last two rooms on the ground floor for any more captives. We heard debris falling in the hallway and went to investigate. Huge flames completely engulfed the back of the building and were fast approaching us. Smoke so thick we could barely breathe.

"You three, out now! I'll be right behind you." The lieutenant ordered.

"Sir we have to…"

"I said fucking go!" He'd yelled over the roaring flames.

I was the last one out the door when the ceiling caved in on top of him. All seven of us frantically dug through bits of smoldering debris until we had him uncovered. But we were too late, he was already gone, his neck bent at an unnatural angle.

We dragged him away from the flames and into the courtyard in front of the burning building. I could hear the whumping of helicopter rotors, and could see nothing over the swirling smoke. Our back up arrived ten minutes too late. We hadn't waited for them and had gone in early as one of the sentries had seen us moving into position and raised the alarm. We had had intelligence that there were as many as fifty girls being held there as a stop in a worldwide sex-slave ring, we didn't want to risk them being hurt in an effort to cover up the atrocities that were occurring here. Lieutenant Morelli was the only American casualty. He made sure every single innocent civilian was out of there and then selflessly ordered us out probably knowing that the building was about to collapse, staying behind to check that one last filthy room for hostages.

The entire squad had accompanied his body home, as we needed to be debriefed on everything that had been discovered. There was a definite link between Al-Qaeda and human trafficking, but the building had burned down before we could find any actual evidence.

I wasn't at liberty to tell most of this to his widow, but I owed him my life and if the guilt I lived with every day could be assuaged by putting myself to use for his wife, then I would do it.

I felt a pang when I approached the house. There were colorful balloons and streamers decorating the front porch. I was reminded of how his wife had reflexively cradled her little belly and with a flash of horror I'd realized that he had not only left a beloved wife behind, but an unborn child.

I swallowed down my nervousness and climbed the steps. I could hear the babbling of a young child through the open door. I could see straight to the kitchen to where she was standing at the counter. I rang the bell and she scooped up the baby and came to the door. I couldn't believe how different she looked. Tired and drawn. The woman I had seen in person all that time ago, had been young, vital. When she looked at her son though, I saw a flash of that vibrant bride from their photo.

I could tell right away that she didn't recognize me. It wasn't until I let slip that I had thought she was pregnant the last time I saw her that I saw the penny drop. When she slumped into that chair I thought she was going to withdraw like she did after screaming at us all those months ago, but she surprised me by gently settling her little boy on the floor and marching past me. I don't know if I've ever had someone outside of the military lay into me the way she did. It weirdly made me feel better to have her voice the feelings that had been rolling around inside me since it happened. Why did I get to live and this woman's husband had to die? I had family, sure, but I had no wife or children. No one absolutely dependent on my safe return. I hadn't personally been responsible for him being killed, but it'd taken the last year and a half to come to that realization. I had been career track in the Corps, but when that last tour was up I just couldn't bring myself to stay.

It was a relief when her mom arrived that day. The last thing I wanted to do was to leave her all alone again. I left my information with her, but had little hope that she'd ever willingly contact me.

I don't know why I chose to settle in Trenton. With my IT training I could probably find a job anywhere. Sure it was close to Fort Dix, where I would be doing my reserve training, but that wasn't the only Marine Corps reserve base.

I found a nice house on the outskirts of the city and had enough money to put a large down payment on it. My mom had kept my SUV running while I was away, so I had my car. I was hired as a civilian contractor at the local FBI office doing IT work. It was mind numbingly boring compared with what I used to do, but it was incredibly relaxing to not be constantly in the line of fire. I was moving mechanically through the motions of assimilating back into regular society. Sleeping was the hardest part, I had gotten very used to sleeping in barracks or out in the field, where I was never alone and it was never silent. At night in my bed, even if I left the TV on, it still took me forever to fall asleep. And when I did sleep, the dreams I had were enough to wake me up and keep me up. I did everything that I was supposed to do after leaving active duty. I exercised religiously, I ate right, made friends at work and hooked up with other veterans. Nothing ever stopped those dreams though.

Every now and then I would go out and just drive when I couldn't sleep. More often than not, I would cruise by Mrs. Morelli's house, I thought about her so much it was probably unhealthy. The urge to lighten her burden was incredibly strong, like the key to escaping my nearly overwhelming survivor's guilt was in somehow making her life better.

Tonight I had barely closed my eyes before the dreams started up again. More of that fiery building, only this time the one victim I couldn't get to was her. She was sitting in the corner of the smoky room, alone and scared, crying. But every time I tried to cross the room there was an unmovable, invisible barrier between us. I snapped awake hearing her blood curdling scream and lay panting, heart pounding, I pulled my drenched shirt off and tossed it across the room. I didn't need a therapist to interpret that dream. Tomorrow was the second anniversary of the lieutenant's death. In the six months since I had gone to her house she had never contacted me and I decided I would give her one more week and then approach her again. I'd do anything she wanted, paint her house, unblock a drain, shovel snow from her driveway.

The sour smell of dried sweat got me up and into the shower. I pulled the sheets off the bed and threw them in the washing machine. I stared into the fridge, but came up empty handed. I flicked through every channel on the TV and found nothing that I wanted to watch. I was too restless to read, so I grabbed my keys and drove around. I eventually cruised by her house. I felt like such a creep doing this, but I felt the need to check on her. Usually the lights were out, but tonight the lights in the front room were blazing and I could see her silhouette through the curtains. It looked like she was pacing with the baby in her arms. I guess I wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping. I had to force myself to step on the gas, when what I really wanted to do was pull over and knock on her door. I wanted to offer to take care of her son so she could rest. I remember how my sisters complained about how exhausting it was when my nieces would wake them up in the middle of the night. Both my sisters were married and had a partner to share the parenting duties. This poor woman was all alone in this. By the time I got home, I was getting sleepy again, so I laid on the couch and managed to get a few dreamless hours of sleep in.

The only things on my agenda the next day were to run five miles and to visit Anthony's grave. I had found out that he had been laid to rest in a family plot, but as a recipient of the Medal of Honor had received a special headstone. I hadn't been able to bring myself to go there yet, but felt the need to purge some more demons today. I felt so weak for not being able to move past this yet. Maybe if I said some things to him there I could let go of some of it.

Something had to give and soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: According to my research the leaving of coins on a serviceman or woman's grave goes all the way back to the Roman Empire. Today, when a visitor leaves a penny it signifies a simple visit, a nickel means you went through basic training with the decedent, a dime shows that the visitor served with the decedent and a quarter says you were there at the time of death. I couldn't find anything about burial guidelines for Medal of Honor recipients other than that they get a special headstone. He probably would be buried in Arlington National cemetery, or at least another military cemetery, but that's a 3-4 hour drive for our favorite couple here so I put Anthony in a family plot in Trenton. Oh…there is some confusion on that point. She isn't and wasn't married to Joe. She was married to Anthony, his brother. I'm a Babe through and through, but I, A) couldn't marry her to Joe. And B) couldn't kill Joe off…so Anthony it is. Hopefully that clears it up. **

**All recognizable characters and places are the property of their respective owners. This plot, however, is all mine.**

SPOV

"Okay, so I put extra diapers and wipes in the bag, I put his yogurt in the fridge, though he might not want it…What else?" I really hated leaving him, even if it was with my mom.

"Steph, stop! We'll be fine. I have done this before you know." She held her hands out for Alex. I hugged him tight, kissed his delicious chubby cheek and handed him over.

"Be good little man. I love you." I said as I backed out of the door. "Bye Alex."

"Ba-ba Mama!" He said and waved to me, already heading towards the toy box my mom kept there for him.

"He'll be fine sweetheart…are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"

"No Mom, I'd rather you stayed with Alex. If I lose it again, he'll just get upset. He doesn't need to see me like that."

"Then just wait until Dad gets home and I'll go with you. I hate the idea of you being alone."

"No, I know this sounds melodramatic, but I need to go there alone. It's been two years Mom. I need to work through some of this…stuff. I never really got past the anger part. I'm just so tired of feeling like this."

"Okay. If you're sure." She pulled me in to a hug. "I love you sweetheart."

"I love you too. I'll see you around dinner time?"

"Yep. I'm making all your favorites. We need to put some more meat back on you." I rolled my eyes.

"Okay mom."

I hustled through the cold wintery air and started my car. The engine grumbled for a second, but finally caught. I should probably take this to the mechanic after I went to the gravesite. Most likely I'd go home and try to get some sleep while my mom had her day with the baby. I'd had a pretty horrific nightmare last night, something about being in a fire. I guess I'd made enough noise to wake up Alex and it took so long to get him settled again, that I'd ended up bringing him into bed with me. I was so used to him sleeping all night that I was exhausted from that missing chunk of sleep. The coffee sitting next to me wasn't helping much either. I drove across town and into the cemetery. I'd hadn't come here all that much, only for the various holidays, but I wound my way through the maze of head stones with no trouble at all. I stopped short a few yards away when I realized that there was someone knelt down at Anthony's grave. From the flowers and coins left on the headstone, I'd known that Anthony had had many visitors, but this was the first time that I'd encountered one. I could only see him from behind, but I knew who this man was. I kept some distance between us to give him some privacy. He was talking quietly but a few words drifted back to me with the cold wind.

"…So fucking sorry."

"…your poor wife…your son!"

"…so unfair!"

His hand came up to wipe at his face. I turned away, sure that he would be embarrassed at my seeing that he was crying. Two years later and this poor guy was still so riddled with guilt! I don't know much about what happened, but I do know it wasn't anybody's fault, per se. I'd been so awful to him the last time I saw him, something I've regretted ever since. I'd put his card in my purse later that day. Since then I've taken it out and stared at it probably fifty times, but I've never been able to make myself call him.

I fussed with the grave blanket in my hand and gave him some time to settle down. I turned back as he was standing and moving away from the grave. We locked eyes and I was floored by the intensity of emotions on his face. We stood frozen for a second before I looked down, shaken by the amount of vulnerability I was witnessing at that moment. I could feel that he had moved closer, but didn't look up until he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, I should have guessed that you'd come today. I'm done…I'll just go." He said quietly.

"No, Lieutenant…it's fine." God! This was so damn awkward. "I'm sorry I was so nasty to you the last time I saw you…I guess you can tell I still have a bit of anger huh?" I smiled weakly at him.

"Please don't apologize to me. I'm the one with the horrible timing. I should have come back on a day when you weren't having a party. I hope I didn't ruin the celebration for you."

"No, Alex had a blast. That's all that really matters, right?" He nodded.

"Well, I'll let you go visit." He shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet. "Do you ummmm…do you have my card still?"

"Yes, I still have it."

"Please, if you need anything, just give me a call? I'm pretty handy with house stuff."

"That's really very nice of you, but my dad usually takes care of that kind of thing."

"Well, just in case then…it was nice to see you again."

I looked over at Anthony's headstone. "Yes, I'm just going to…" I held up the grave blanket and moved away. "Bye"

"Bye." He said softly before dipping his head and walking away. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He disappeared over the crest of the hill that led to the road and I turned and knelt in front of Anthony's grave. Touched at how many more coins were on it since the last time I was here. It looked like a lot of his fellow servicemen and women had visited him.

"You never had a hard time making friends did you Ant?" I shook my head and smiled. "I wish you could see Alex…He's growing so fast. He's just so…sunny! Everybody loves him. He smiled at this cranky looking stranger in the grocery store the other day, and the guy just about melted! He keeps me running too, always busy…" I felt the smile slide off my face. "I still miss you, every day. I've been seeing a doctor, she's helping me with some of it. I felt so stupid going there the first time, but she's really cool and so easy to talk to. I have to let some of this go Anthony. It's eating me up inside." I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. "I've loved you since high school, I was so used to seeing you all the time. I knew there was always a chance that this could happen with each deployment, it was just so hard to finally come to grips with the idea that I'd never see you again. All that time together and poof…you were gone. But you gave me such a gift in Alex. I can't thank you enough. He was definitely the one thing that kept me sane and forced me to take care of myself…and then to have him be so like you? I love him so much Ant! If you had to leave me, I'm so grateful that you left me a little piece of yourself."

I sat back, surprised that it didn't hurt that much to be here. I don't think it would ever be easy, but it was definitely better than the last time I came here. I wiped the tears off my face and arranged the grave blanket under his stone. It was really cold out here and I was starting to shiver, so I kissed my fingers and traced his engraved name.

"I love you. I'll come back soon." I stood up and pulled my scarf tighter around me and walked to my car. My steps faltered when I noticed that the SUV I'd parked behind was still there and the lieutenant was now sitting in it. He climbed out when he saw me.

"There's something leaking out from underneath your car." I looked down and sure enough some brown gunk had dripped out in a little stream. "I think it's oil, pop the hood and I'll check the reservoir." I climbed in and pulled the hood release and watched as he fiddled around with things.

"There's no oil in here at all Mrs. Morelli. Has it been giving you a hard time?"

"Just today, it usually runs pretty well."

"Do you have a mechanic?"

"Yeah, it's not far from here. I could probably get it there."

"I have a quart of oil in the trunk, I'll add it and hopefully it'll be enough to get you there." He worked under the hood for a minute and dropped it closed.

"Try and start it up. I'll follow you and drive you home."

"Oh no! You don't have to do that. I'll just call one of my parents. My mom is babysitting anyway."

"I'm here already. I waited for you because I saw that and didn't want to leave you stranded. It's no trouble, just try and start it up." It didn't seem like he was going to accept no for an answer, so I ducked back in the car, after three tries the engine caught and the check engine light popped on immediately. If the mechanic wasn't two blocks from here I would've had it towed. I cruised there as quickly as I could and when I pulled in the driveway of the service station the engine started making some choking noises and stalled when I pulled into a parking space. It wasn't until I climbed out that I realized that the place was closed. I went to the office window and peered inside, but no one was there.

"It's closed." I said to the lieutenant when he walked over.

"You can leave it here right?"

"Yeah, the sign on the door says to just slide the keys through the mail slot. I'm just going to take Alex's seat out though. Who knows how long this is going to take to fix." After a struggle with the latches that held the seat in, I finally liberated it and was mortified to find what seemed like an entire box of Cheerios under it. I put the seat on the ground and corralled a few toys from the floor in it. I shouldered my bag and turned to pick up the seat only to see the lieutenant already putting it into his back seat.

"C'mon Mrs. Morelli." The lieutenant said. "It's freezing out here, get in." He opened his passenger door for me. I beeped the car locked and put the key through the mail slot and climbed into his nice warm truck.

"Where to? Where's your little guy? I could take you to pick him up if you want."

"He's at my mom's. I'll just call her and have her drop him off. Would you mind dropping me at my house?"

"Not at all." He said. He seemed a bit happier now, more purposeful.

We sat in silence all the way home. But my mind was going a mile a minute. This man was there when Anthony died, I wanted so badly to ask him if it was quick for him. I needed whatever details he could give me. I'd heard over and over again about his heroics, but I was ready to hear the actual events. He pulled up into the driveway.

"Thank-you for all your help today Lieutenant…Do you have somewhere you need to be right now? I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about Anthony…if that's okay?"

He stared out the front window silently for a few seconds before turning the car off and pocketing the keys.

"As long as you have coffee in there, I'll tell you whatever I can." He said before climbing slowly out of the car. I took a deep breath and joined him on the sidewalk.

**I don't typically like angsty drama, so writing this is like a personal challenge. I'm falling in love with the lieutenant almost as quickly as I did with Captain Carlos from Ranger's Rangers. I hope you are too.**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: They really needed to have this conversation before we can move on. **

**Any recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective owners. This plot, however, is all mine.**

RPOV

I followed her up her porch steps, through the door and stood awkwardly in the hallway, waiting for her to tell me where to go.

"So…coffee?"

"Please?" I would give my left nut for a cup of coffee right now. I was so fucking tired.

"Go ahead and sit," she nodded towards the living room. "I'll bring it to you. How do you take it?"

"Milk, no sugar please." She nodded and went into the kitchen.

As soon as I entered the room my eye was drawn to the folded flag on the light wooden mantle. I moved closer to see it. Next to the flag was a larger version of the wedding photo Anthony carried around. They were laughing to each other in the picture, paused at the end of an arch of swords, they were probably being made to kiss before the final sabers were lifted for them to pass. His widow really was a very beautiful bride, I've never seen someone radiate so much joy. They looked incredibly happy. I was struck anew with the level of anguish that she must have dealt with since his death.

Every other picture on the mantle was of their little boy. A cute little guy with his mother's bright blue eyes and, without a doubt, his father's smile.

Looking at his drooly grin made me smile myself. I could only imagine that he was a great comfort to his mother.

"Here you go Lieutenant." I turned and accepted the coffee from her.

"Thank-you ma'am. Please call me Carlos?"

"Sure, but it's Stephanie then, okay?" She said with a soft smile. "I'm sorry! Let me take your coat." I handed her back the cup and pulled off my jacket. She hung it on a hat stand by the door and motioned to the couch.

"Have a seat Lieu…Carlos." I sat down on her comfortable couch and she curled her legs under her in the chair at right angles to it. She stared at me for a second, probably formulating her questions. She looked tired, but had more color than the last time I had seen her. She was almost too thin though. In her wedding picture she was quite slim. She was definitely thinner now. Driving home the point that there was no one taking care of her. I took a tentative sip of my coffee and waited her out. She blinked and seemed to gather herself.

"Did he suffer?" She said quickly. I was a bit shocked she went right for the toughest question. I drew in a deep breath.

"I don't think so. I had just left the building and he was about ten feet behind me. We went right back in when the ceiling came down and it only took us a couple of minutes at most to pull the debris off of him…he was already…" I swallowed hard and looked over at her. She held her head with both hands and looked like she was doing her best not to cry.

"Why was he behind you?" She said shakily, looking down.

I placed my cup on the side table and sat on my knees in front of her. Trying to look in her eyes. I needed to see how much of the truth she could handle. Seeing resolve there, I decided to tell her as much as I could. I stayed where I was, but didn't touch her.

"He ordered the entire squad out of the building. Santos, Brown and I were sweeping the first of the last two rooms nearest the exit point. The fire was behind us, but we'd gotten every innocent out already. We heard debris falling in the hallway and went to see what was happening…"

_This had to have been the hardest conversation I've ever had. _

"He ordered us out…I…uhh…I think he knew that the ceiling was going to come down any second…but he still wanted to check that last room." I sat back, breathing deep for a minute. I felt a small bubble of panic welling up at the vivid images in my head. "When the ceiling came down, I yelled for the squad to follow me back in. We hoped that he'd still be alive. We dug him out as fast as we could, the building was still on fire, you see? We couldn't leave him there." I felt sweat break out on my face and my stomach gave an ominous roll. I know my words were coming out woodenly. I hadn't spoken to anyone about this since right after we brought him home and I had no idea that it would be this hard.

"It was clear that he was already…gone…when we got everything off him, so we dragged him out to the courtyard." I finished and bowed my head, too ashamed to look at her. I could hear her crying softly and wanted so badly to comfort her, but I was sure I was the last person she would want a hug from. I startled when I felt her fingers graze the scar on my neck.

"I'm sorry!" She blurted, blinking back tears. "Is that a burn?"

"Yes."

"Did you get that when you were digging him out?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Did anyone else get hurt?"

"Just some minor burns and smoke inhalation. Anthony was the only one who…"

"Died, you can say it Lieutenant. He died." She looked away for a minute chest heaving. "That's scarring on your neck is from at least a second, more likely, third degree burn. I'm a nurse, Lieutenant. There's nothing 'minor' about a burn that leaves a scar like that. How did it happen…if you don't mind my asking?" She said tremulously.

"No, it's okay, I said I'd answer your questions. Some burning wood fell on my jacket while we working on freeing him and I didn't notice right away." I reached up and rubbed the oddly numb, yet hypersensitive skin. Suddenly her arms were wrapped around my neck and she was sobbing uncontrollably on my shoulder. I sat frozen for a second before I folded my arms around her and held her awkwardly. She slid off the chair and I pulled her in closer. I tried really hard not to, but my own tears fell with hers. I felt weak, but I couldn't stop them. I was so sorry for what this woman had had to go through.

Her sobs were torturous. Her whole torso heaving with them. I wanted to sit back and pull her into my lap, but I didn't want her to think that I was being inappropriate. She clung to me tightly so I just held her there in my uncomfortable position.

She started to calm and I could tell the exact moment she realized that she was being held by a virtual stranger. She tensed and I let go of her. She pulled away slightly.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant." She roughly scrubbed her hands over her face. "It's an emotional day, I guess." She made an effort to get her breath back to normal. "Thank-you for telling me that…And thank-you for being so selfless that you risked your own life to get him to safety…even after you knew he had died. He wasn't the only brave one there that day." She said sincerely.

"No ma'am, the honor is all his." No way was I accepting praise from her.

"Was the building still on fire when you all went back in?"

"Yes."

"You don't think you or any of your squad-mates deserve any recognition for going into a _burning _building to rescue your commanding officer?" She asked incredulously. A little of that spark returning to her. She stood and paced in front of the fireplace.

"If I had insisted he leave and that I check that last room, you would still have a husband today." I choked out. She stopped mid-pace and stared at me.

"I'm sorry, had you ever actually met my husband?" She said sarcastically. "He would never have allowed that. Gallant to a fault, that man." She said with a sad shake of her head. She stood in front of me and held out her hand. I took it, surprised by the resolute strength in her grip. Her slight hand tugged mine until I stood warily in front of her.

"Lieutenant…Carlos, I've been going to therapy for the last few months. One thing that I've gotten out of it is that I have to stop living in the past. The grieving process is long and arduous, but my husband is the one that died, not me. I'm still here, I have a son that needs me to be present. I have to move out from under this, before it crushes me completely. I know that Anthony wouldn't want me to live like this. And there's no way he would want you, or any of the others that were there that day, to still be carrying this around with them two years later." She dropped my hand and reached for a tissue. She handed me one and I realized that I'd been crying steadily right in front of her.

"Have you gone to the doctor?" She asked.

"Me? No, after an incident like that, they do PTSD screening and if you pass that they give you some basic information about the symptoms in case it pops up later. I only have the sleep issues and dreams sometimes. I'm functioning." I hated the very idea of going to counseling. I felt pathetic enough already.

"You almost had a panic attack sitting on my floor! You were sweating and having problems breathing." She rebutted. "Are you really averse to getting help? I really didn't like it at first either, but it does help."

I was getting a little annoyed at her telling me I needed help and I couldn't help but snap back at her.

"It didn't seem to be helping you sleep last night though!"

She drew back like I'd slapped her.

"What?!"

_Oh shit!_

**AN: Don't get too mad at him for being snappish. Irritability is a symptom of PTSD and subsequent depression. **

**Let me know what you think.**

**EA xoxo**


	6. Chapter 6

SPOV

I could see the lieutenant coiling tighter and tighter, like a spring. I just knew he was going to lash out, but the next words that came out of his mouth shocked the hell out of me.

"It didn't seem to be helping you sleep last night though!

"What?" No, really, what?

He just stood there looking acutely uncomfortable, placing his eyes anywhere but on me.

"No, no, no, don't clam up now! How could you possibly know that I didn't sleep last night?"

"I…uh…" He stammered. I waited for him to keep going, but grew impatient when it didn't seem he was going to continue.

"Lieutenant, you need to explain yourself. Right. Fucking. Now." I didn't know whether to be scared or be completely irate right about now.

"It's just that I don't sleep real well sometimes." He said reluctantly. "I go out for a drive when I can't figure out what else to do. I…uh…I worry about you and your baby being all alone, so I…um…I'll drive past here just to make sure everything looks okay." He was looking down at his shoes, but he peeked at me quickly.

_Wow! That's just…sweet and kind of creepy._

"You watch my house at night?" I asked in disbelief.

"Not every night! Just sometimes I'll drive past. Last night was really bad for me. I went out driving and I ended up passing by. I saw that your light was on in here from the road…it was about 3:00 am? I could see your shadow through the curtains…look, I'm sorry that I snapped at you like that. I'm just really tired, that usually makes it worse." He said guiltily.

I'm pretty sure that he didn't want pity from me, but my god, did I feel bad for this guy.

"I had a nightmare and woke Alex up by accident. It took a while to get him back to sleep. It doesn't happen a lot." I explained. Something about him just made me want to be as honest as possible. "I know that you're not going to like me doing this, but I'm going to give you my doctor's phone number. It's been _two years _Lieutenant…Carlos. This should have gotten easier for you by now. I don't know you, but you seem like a good man, you deserve some peace. It must be awful to live your life like this." I placed my hand on his forearm and he seemed to relax a bit. He looked me in the eyes finally.

"I just feel like I need to do something for you. Like today, bringing you here. I feel like it'll get better if I can make your life easier somehow." He whispered imploringly.

"I can't ask for that. Look what you've already done for me. _You _made sure that Anthony's body came home for burial intact. _You _risked your life to do that. _You _got hurt doing that." I reached up and touched that scar again. He shuddered and I quickly pulled my hand away. It must've hurt like a bitch when it happened. I hadn't noticed it until he sat before me and bowed his head like he was confessing his sins. The edge of it had been visible just under his collar. I shouldn't have touched it…him, but I just had a feeling he got it that day and my hand moved without input from my brain. "You helped me today, with my car and letting me cry and get snot all over your shirt." A small smile tipped the corners of his mouth. "Please? If you really want to do something for me, let that be it? Take the number and call it?"

"If it means that much to you I'll take the number. It's just that I need to get some sleep. That's why I was so…" He gestured to his eyes. "Today."

"You cried, it's not a crime and it usually makes you feel better. I feel better, even though I should be embarrassed that I broke down like that in front of you." I really did feel a bit lighter after losing it the way I did. couldn't even cry like that in front of my mom. Something about this man was incredibly comforting even when he himself was struggling.

"I'm a Marine ma'am. We're not supposed to show weakness."

"That's bullshit. You're a human being first. Everybody has moments like that. I'd be even more worried if you didn't."

"You're worried about me?" He asked, surprised.

"Umm yeah, in my experience when a big tough guy nearly has a panic attack on my floor, it's kind of indicative of a need for care."

_God! I was such a sarcastic bitch sometimes._

"Look, Carlos. Do you talk to any other veterans?"

"Yeah, I have a few friends that are out of the Corps now too."

"Are any of them having problems?"

"I don't know, we don't really talk about this kind of thing. Right now you're the only one who knows that I don't sleep well."

"You haven't told your family or a girlfriend maybe?" He shook his head

"I'm not seeing anyone. My family used to ask how I was doing, I would tell them I was fine and eventually they stopped asking. I just found it really hard to talk about. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this."

"Look, adults aren't my area of expertise, I'm a pediatric nurse, but I really think that with some counseling and maybe an antidepressant, you'll be feeling better soon. I couldn't take them until Alex stopped breastfeeding and by then I was already in therapy…" I paused deliberating whether I should tell him more. "That's another thing you helped me with. It wasn't until after your last visit that I realized how much I needed help. I still had so much anger. The things I said to you! I'm so, so sorry. Maybe if I hadn't said some of those things you would have been recovering by now."

"No, please don't apologize. You were only saying things I was already thinking."

"But that's just it Lieutenant, don't you see? This wasn't your fault. Nothing you did caused it to happen. I could never wish that it was you instead of him. I don't think it was you or him proposition. Believe me, I wish you had both come home. This. Was. Not. Your. Fault!" I said emphatically, gently tapping a fingertip against his chest.

"I do know that, but it's difficult to accept. I'm not usually like this. Today, being the anniversary and talking about it with you, I'm a little raw right now. Usually I'm alright." He said quietly. He looked absolutely exhausted, from the slump of his shoulders to the dark circles under his eyes. It was killing me that he looked so defeated right now.

"Go ahead and sit down. I'm going to make some more coffee, yours is probably ice cold by now. I think maybe you need to relax for a while, this has been pretty draining for me, it must've been exhausting for you too. You're dead on your feet." He just nodded and sat down. I grabbed his cup and went into the kitchen. Rummaging through the cabinet I found some cookies that my mom had brought over, I put some on a plate, grabbed his cup from the keurig and made my way back to the living room. I stopped short in the doorway as the lieutenant was fast asleep on my couch. Putting the cup and plate down, I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and covered him up. He looked a little awkward sitting up sleeping, but he needed to rest and I didn't want to risk waking him up by putting his feet up.

I crept back into the kitchen and called my mom.

"Hi sweetheart, how did it go?" She asked anxiously.

"It wasn't as bad as last time. How's Alex?"

"Well, that's good. He's having a little nap laying on his Grandad. Where are you? Dinner will be ready in about two hours."

"My car broke down, but I got a ride home from a friend. Could you drop Alex off when you're done with dinner?"

"Of course. I'll bring dinner over to you. Which friend?"

"Do you remember that lieutenant I kicked out of the house on Alex's birthday?"

"That gorgeous guy?"

"Ummm yeah, I suppose he is quite good looking. He went to visit Anthony's grave at the same time and brought me home when the car started acting stupid…Oh my god, Mom! I asked him to come in and I talked to him about the day Ant died. It was awful, but I'm very grateful for what he told me. This poor guy though! He's seriously still having trouble with the whole thing. He said he doesn't sleep well and has some pretty horrible nightmares, it sounds like. I went to make him some coffee and by the time I brought it back to him he had fallen asleep on the couch!"

"He's not crazy is he?" She asked. Mom was a major worrier.

"No, I get a good vibe from him. He just seems sad and a bit lost. He definitely needs some rest though. I'm going to leave him there for a bit, while I clean up, being Alex is with you. What time will you bring him home?"

"6-ish? Try and get him to stay and I'll bring enough dinner for both of you."

"Thanks Mom. Give Alex a big kiss from me."

"I will. See you in a while sweetheart."

I hung up and spent the next two and a half hours doing everything but vacuuming. I looked in on the lieutenant a few times and he seemed to be resting okay. It wasn't until I was trying to silently unload the dishwasher that I could hear him talking. I went to the living room expecting to find him on his phone, but saw that he was still actually asleep. He didn't seem to be having an all-out nightmare, but he seemed pretty anxious, his words too slurred to make out. I touched his hand gently, not wanting to jar him awake. His fingers automatically wound around mine and held tight. He didn't seem any closer to waking, but he did calm a bit. I sat there for a few minutes watching him sleep. When his face was relaxed like this he was more than 'quite good-looking'. His skin was darker than mine and looked very smooth above his stubble. He had long, thick lashes, a strong jaw and a full-lipped, sensuous mouth.

_Why the hell am I thinking about his mouth?_

The immediate feelings of guilt and shame that flared in my gut had my hand away from his and had me retreating to the kitchen again. Resolutely not thinking about the physical attributes of the man on my couch.

**AN: Go ahead, tell me you wouldn't let him sleep on your couch! I'd probably let him live on mine.**

**Hope you liked it,**

**EA xoxo**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: All recognizable characters and places are the sole property of their respective authors.**

**A little lighter than previous chapters, these two needed some smiles.**

RPOV

I slowly came awake in the darkened room, completely disoriented. It took me a while to realize that I was still at Mrs. Morelli's house and that I must've fallen asleep on her couch.

_Good job dumbass. First break down like a baby on her and then pass out on her couch! _

I sat up, rolling my neck against the crick that had settled in from my awkward semi-upright position. I could hear soft, slightly off key singing coming from the baby monitor on the side table next to me. I looked at the tiny screen and saw her bent over the side of the crib, stroking her little boy's head.

"…_You make me happy when skies are gray,_

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you,_

_Please don't take my sunshine away…"_

"Night-night Angel. I love you." She whispered, disappearing from view. I heard a door creak then her soft footsteps on the stairs. I got up and went to find my jacket just as she got to the bottom of the stairs.

"Lieutenant, you're awake! I was going to wake you up soon." She said a smile.

"What time is it?" I asked rubbing my hands over my face. My phone was in my coat, but I knew it was late. It looked completely dark out.

"8:30." She said quietly.

"Holy sh…I'm so sorry…I slept on your couch for four and a half hours?" I was so embarrassed! How very helpful of me.

"It's fine Lieutenant, stop apologizing." She said with a little glare. "You obviously needed it. Now, are you hungry? My mom brought over a ton of food when she dropped Alex off." She asked as she turned and went into the kitchen. I followed her into the warm, bright room and she pulled a chair out for me, gesturing for me to sit.

"Mrs. Morelli…"

"Stephanie." She interrupted.

"Stephanie, I really should get going. I think I've been enough of a burden for one day."

"Please, just have a seat? You have to be starving, and the least I could do for you is make sure you have some of my mom's pot roast. It's always delicious. C'mon, sit down?" She gave me an eye-fluttering, pleading look, barely holding back the sneaky smile that slowly spread across her face when I gave in and sat down.

"See? That's not so hard is it? Just give me a minute to heat this up." She turned and busied herself with getting dinner together as I watched. Even though she was just re-heating food, moving from fridge to microwave, her movements were kind of hypnotic. She placed a heaping plate in front of me a few minutes later and sat down.

"You're not eating?"

"I had a few bites while you were sleeping. I was trying to keep up with Alex, he's always so busy. You needed to sleep, I didn't want him to wake you up." She picked up a roll and nibbled on it. I spied a clean plate in the dish drainer and grabbed it, I slid half of the food on my plate onto it and placed in front of her.

"There, you were lecturing me on taking care of myself. You need to eat too."

"Once you taste that, you're going to be sorry you shared!" She took a bite of the beef on her plate and did a little happy dance in her seat. I felt a real smile creep across my face. Her eyes popped open and she blushed a bit, realizing I was watching her.

"It's so good! Try it." She watched intently as I picked up my fork and dug in. It was really good. I didn't get to eat much home-cooked food at all. My staples at home didn't require much more than opening the box and reheating it.

"This is delicious. Your mom's an excellent cook." I told her, she was still staring at my face appraisingly.

"You look better." She blurted.

I thought about that for a second. "I feel better. I'm not _that_ pathetic all the time. I think talking to you about it all helped too." I was actually surprised how much better I did feel. She nodded looking a little self-satisfied.

"Eat up, while it's still hot. I want to talk to you about something when you're finished."

I obeyed her order and we finished our food in silence. She jumped up and started making coffee, so I took our plates to the sink and rinsed them off.

"Oh! Lieutenant, you don't have to do that."

"It's Carlos and yes I do. Do you want these in the dishwasher or just wash them like this?"

"Like that is fine. Really though, I can do it." She protested.

"Already done." I said as I placed the last plate in the drainer. She rolled her eyes and handed me a steaming coffee. I sat and took my first sip and had to force myself not to do a happy dance like hers. I _really _loved coffee, it was the only thing keeping me from being a total zombie some days.

She plunked a plate with a huge chunk of cake on it in front of me. I looked at her inquisitively.

"Whenever my mom thinks I'm too thin, she does this." She said gesturing to the plate. I agreed with her mom, but I wasn't about to say so. "It's pineapple upside down cake, do you like whipped cream?"

"Yes please." She scooped a dollop out of the bowl and plopped it down on top of the cake. "Where's yours?" She looked at me askance for a second and got up and took a smaller piece for herself.

"Happy?" She said a bit snarkily.

"Yep." I could feel my lips pull up into another genuine smile. She was quite a little spitfire.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked after I scraped every last bit of my new favorite cake off my plate.

"Well it's about what you were saying earlier, about helping me and Alex…I guess if you really think that doing some things around here will help you, then I'm sure I can find something that needs fixing or whatever." She paused and cleared her throat. "But I have one condition. Please just hear me out?" I felt my whole body tense up again, pretty sure of what she was going to list as her caveat. "I'm sorry if you think this is pushy and none of my business, but if you actually call my therapist and make an appointment then you can come over here afterwards and talk about it if you want. It seemed to help you earlier. We could have dinner just like this, or you could find something to do around this old house…whatever you need. For as obligated to me as you feel, I feel the same, like I owe to you some measure of friendship. I think we can help each other through this Carlos." She reached her small hand out and laid it on top of mine. "Just think about it, please?"

It was a little disconcerting, the level of comfort that I got out of just being touched by another person. Until right now, I hadn't realized how much I had distanced myself from my friends, my family. I had gone out a few times with some buddies, but, more often than not, I spent my free time at home, alone.

"I'll think about it." I said after some deliberation. I couldn't pretend anymore that what I'd been living with was normal, but I don't know if I was ready to talk to a total stranger about it. Well, besides her, I guess.

"Really?" She said all amazed.

"Yeah. Do you work…outside the home, I mean."

"I work at a doctor's office downtown, three days a week."

"What time do you have to be there in the morning?"

"Around 8. Why?"

"You don't have a car right now, right? I could drop you off if you want." She was already shaking her head.

"No, it's okay. My dad already said he'd pick me up and drop me off till my car is fixed. He drives a cab part-time, so it's fine."

"I go pretty much past here on my way to work every day anyway. It's no problem."

"Thank-you, that's really very kind, but my dad's already rearranged his schedule and everything. Besides, he's already got breakfast-time activities planned with his favorite little man." She said pointing upstairs. "They're apparently going to do 'man' things after they drop me off at work. Whatever that means, Alex is only eighteen months!" She said with another eye roll and a smile.

"Okay then, I should get going. You have my number if you need me for anything?"

"Yep." She said nodding. "Oh! Here's my doctors card." She plucked a card from under a magnet on the fridge. I took it and slid it into my jean's pocket without looking at it. "I put my number on the back in case you need to talk, okay?" That she could find it within herself to offer me support, spoke volumes about this woman's strength. Although, right at this moment I could see her sleepless night weighing her down.

"Thank-you for today." I said quietly.

"Anytime you want to come here and chat, it's no problem…" She hesitated for a beat. "Would you like to come back here on Saturday? That's spaghetti night for us, I make a mean meatball!"

"Are you still blackmailing me into mental health care?" I hoped not, I loved homemade meatballs.

"Not blackmailing! No...I just thought that with some motivation…I didn't want to…" She looked absolutely horrified.

"Relax, I was kidding." Sort of. "I knew what you meant."

_There's that pissy face._

"You know, if we're going to be friends…" She said shaking her head. "You had me going there for a second." She really did have a pretty smile.

"What time should I be here?" For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to be somewhere instead of just feeling obligated to go.

"Five-thirty? Little boys need to eat early."

"Sounds good." I stood in her hallway, shrugging into my jacket. She stepped in closer to me, her face becoming sober again.

"Thank you for telling me everything today. It was awful, but I think I needed to hear that. I'm sorry that it caused you such anguish." She paused for a second looking uncertain then shocked the shit out of me by hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her slight frame and reveled in the warm sensation spreading through me.

"Thank-you."

"Thank-you." We both said softly. She held me there for a second and then backed slowly away, a little more color in her face.

"Goodnight Carlos."

"Goodnight." I said as I pulled her front door open. I shut it quietly behind me.

I didn't look at the card in my pocket until I was sitting in my own driveway. It was a simple cream colored rectangle, in block lettering it read:

_Constance Rosolli_

_Psychologist, PhD._

_609-555-2112_

For something so small and unassuming it was incredibly intimidating.

**AN: He's getting there. **

**Let me know what you think?**

**EA xoxo**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I was supposed to be writing the second to last chapter of Ranger's Rangers today, but I seem to be a wee bit blocked. It's very frustrating as I know what I want to happen, but I'm having a hard time getting it out of my head and written out. It might have something to do with my real life Rangers playing like dookie since the Olympic break and are in danger of losing their playoff berth. They play Winnipeg tomorrow so everybody, I want to hear LET'S GO RANGERS! If they know we're all pulling for them, maybe they can get their shit together and start playing hard again. **

**This little ditty, however, was written in just a few hours. Hope you likee. **

**All recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective authors. This plot, however, is all mine.**

SPOV

Very early Saturday morning I was abruptly woken by my phone vibrating on my bedside table.

"Hello." I croaked.

"Stephanie! Are you okay?" It was Carlos and he sounded frantic.

"I'm fine. I was asleep. What's wrong?" I whispered, already up and peeking in on the baby. I crept downstairs quietly, trying not to wake him.

"Jesus! I'm sorry, I had a…you're really okay?"

"It's fine. What happened? Where are you?" It didn't sound like he was home. I moved the curtain in the living room window and sure enough, he was parked outside.

"I'm here. It was so fucking real. I'm so sorry I woke you up." Oh god he had another nightmare. I just can't imagine.

"I see you out there. Come on in. We can talk about it."

"No, I know you're okay now. Go back to bed. I'm sorry." He said contritely.

"Carlos, just get in here. I can't go back to sleep now." I walked over and opened the door, shivering against the blast of frigid air. "C'mon it's freezing!" His dome light blinked on as he opened the door and climbed out. He hurried up the porch steps, stepped inside and closed the door.

"Where's your coat? It's so friggin cold out there!" I looked up at his face, the worry and anxiety I could see there was heartbreaking. "Hey, what happened, another nightmare?" His eyes flicked all over me as if examining me for a visible injury and simply nodded. "C'mon, let's have some cocoa." He followed me into the kitchen and stood close behind me while I turned on the flame under the kettle. I turned and leaned against the counter folding my arms around myself, suddenly conscious of the fact that I only had on a thin white tank top and baggy sweatpants. I kept the house pretty cool at night and my body was, quite obviously, responding to the colder than usual temperature in the kitchen. If he were calmer I would go and put on a robe or something, but he was just standing in the middle of the room, looking lost. I didn't want to leave him alone right now.

"Sit down Carlos." I said gently. He seemed to shake himself and he finally really looked at me.

"Oh! You're cold. Here." He unzipped his hoodie and draped it around my shoulders. It was warm and soft and smelled of fabric softener and a tiny bit of sweat. I became acutely aware of the fact that his gallantry had left him in only pajamas nearly identical to mine. Only his tank top was clinging tightly to his muscled torso. That awful surge of guilt rushed up and I turned away, thankful that the kettle was whistling and I had an excuse to turn my back on him for a second.

Anthony had been gone for over two years now and I was struggling with the idea of maybe, in the future, becoming involved with someone else. He and I had been together since sophomore year in high school, he had been my only. Over the years, I'd of course, seen other men I thought were attractive, but the idea of sleeping with anyone else was repellant. Since I'd been going to therapy, I'd noticed the return of my libido along with the leveling of my emotions. I was half Italian after all, but I was nowhere near ready to even date yet, but something about this man…I gave my own head a shake and pulled down some mugs and mixed up the cocoa.

"Here." I said handing him his mug. "Let's go sit in the living room, it'll be more comfy."

I curled up in my favorite chair and he took the seat on the couch closest to me.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." He said tiredly. I hated how defeated he sounded. He leaned back against the cushions and let his head flop back.

"Carlos, please? Talk to me?" Even his subconscious wanted to talk, otherwise I don't think he would've have called me.

"It was pretty bad, the last time I had this dream was the other day…when I told you I drove by here and you were up. I was worried about you two." He said quietly, looking away.

"I'm fine, look at me." He darted a peek at me and glanced away again. I touched his hand and felt him relax a bit. "Hey, look at me." I said gently. He turned his eyes to me again and we held eye contact this time. His body relaxed a little more and he almost smiled.

"See, I'm good." I flicked on the monitor on the table next to me. "Alex is fine." He was sleeping like a log in his crib, chubby cheek down on the mattress, knees drawn under him and his little bottom up in the air.

It was a long time since I did my psych rotation in nursing school, but I did remember about how we were taught never to tell a patient suffering with extreme anxiety that they had nothing to worry about. There was no doubt in my mind that he was coming down from a mild panic attack, so I tried another soothing method.

"Do you know how they tell you never to put a sleeping infant on their belly now?" He nodded hesitantly. "When I first brought him home." I said nodding toward the screen. "I'd put him on his back, and he was the biggest fusspot. He would wriggle and whimper all night. I'd spend hours in that rocker, holding him and sleeping. One morning I woke in my bed realizing that he had slept through the night. I panicked! I flew into his room and there he was on his belly, butt up, fast asleep. He was a few months old by then and had already figured out how to roll over, you see. I spent a month getting up every few hours checking on him. It took me a while, but I finally realized that despite my medical knowledge and his doctor's warnings, Alex was having none of it. He was a belly sleeper and that was the end of it. I took the bumper off his crib so he wouldn't smother himself and left him to it. I try to imagine him sleeping like that, with his butt up, when he's grown and it never fails to crack me up." I'd been watching Carlos through my monologue, my story taking his mind off whatever was causing him pain. He was smiling with me by the end, infinitely more relaxed than when he first walked in my door.

"Better now?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'm sorry that I keep needing you to pull me out of these…episodes." He said, blowing out a big gust of air.

"Hey! I asked you to come to me didn't I? Do you want to tell me what happened now?" He sighed deeply and leaned forwards, elbows on his legs, hands dangling loose. "It helped last time right?" I wheedled. He nodded and took a fortifying breath.

"I was back in that burning building again. I was the only one left in there. I could hear screaming coming from a room off the corridor. I turned the corner and…um…you were there. Huddled against the side of the bed," _Oh god! _"Dirty and terrified. You couldn't move because they had cuffed you to that disgusting bed and I couldn't get close to you. It was like a glass wall was in the way and no matter what, I couldn't get past it." I shivered involuntarily. His breathing had picked up and I could see that a fine sheen of sweat had broken out on his shoulders, neck and face. I reached over and smoothed my hand down his arm and he calmed slightly. He was trembling, so I got up and sat next to him slinging one arm around his shoulders. "I woke up as the fire spread to the bed you were on, but your screaming…it was so fucking real. Rationally I knew you were safe and warm, asleep, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from driving straight here and seeing for myself." I couldn't understand why his brain was torturing him this way.

"What can I do for you? You're shaking like crazy. I want to help you, but I'm scared I'll do something wrong."

"You're already doing it." He said touching my hand resting on his shoulder. He leaned forward again and I started scratching his back gently. I remember my mom doing this when I was young and had a bad dream. It never failed to make everything better. His shaking gradually subsided as he sat there quietly, letting me help him. My usual patients were children, but I hated seeing anybody, young or old, suffer. Especially this type of pain, the kind that only manifests on the inside. I had a clear view of his scar from my vantage point and I couldn't help but run my fingers over it again. It was about the size of my hand. The oddly bubbled tissue the only thing marring his otherwise perfectly smooth skin. I pulled my hand quickly away realizing that I was caressing him just to feel him more than to bring him comfort.

_Oh good, here comes that guilt train again._

I jumped up abruptly, breaking the comfortable, drowsy silence we'd fallen into.

"Um…some more cocoa?"

"No, I should get going." He said sleepily. I didn't realize how close I was to him until he stood and stretched, his arms brushing against me as he did it. I felt heat flood my cheeks and I abruptly backed up a step and stumbled on the leg of the coffee table. He caught me around my shoulders and steadied me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just…" I swallowed hard. "A bit clumsy." If I could slap myself right now I would. Here, this poor man needs help and comfort and I'm getting all…flustered touching him.

"Thank-you for not being pissed I woke you up." He said looking apologetic.

"I...uh…" _Get it together Stephanie! _"I meant it when I said anytime. How far is your house? You look too tired to drive."

"I'll be okay, it's only five minutes from here." He looked down for a second. "Am I still invited for dinner tonight?"

"Of course! Alex is looking forward to it." I said with a smile. My little guy was a weapon of mass happiness when unleashed and I think he could do some good with this Marine. "Can you do one thing for me though?" His gaze snapped back to me anxiously. "Text me when you get home? I'll worry you fell asleep driving otherwise." He relaxed visibly and even smiled a bit. His whole face brightened when he did that. I wasn't going to ask him to call the doctor again. He'd do it when he was ready, if he hadn't yet, I was willing to bet that he would as soon as the office opened today.

"Yeah, I can do that." We walked to the door and I slid off his jacket to hand back to him. He threw it on and looked down at me.

"Thank-you for being so kind. I can't tell you what it means to be able to go to someone when I'm feeling like this. Your friendship…it means a lot to me."

"Anytime, okay?" He nodded, but didn't turn to go yet.

_Was he waiting for a hug?_

I moved closer and put my arms around his neck drawing him to me, his arms immediately wrapping around my waist. The cold in the hallway making me shiver, he pulled me in closer, resting his chin on top of my head and rubbing his hands up and down my back to warm me. I had to close my eyes against the heat that flared inside me, though a different type of heat than he was trying to create. When I hugged him before he left the other day I'd felt something similar, but much less intense.

"Well, drive safe. Let me know when you get home. I'll see you at 5:30?" I said backing away.

"I'll be here. Thank-you…for everything." He looked so sincere that all I wanted to do was hug him again, but decided against it lest I do something to embarrass myself.

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"Right." He turned and pulled open the door, glancing back at me one more time. I waved as he pulled it shut behind me and I collapsed on the bottom stair. I had to dig the heels of my hands into my eyes to not bawl my eyes out right there. This whole situation just became exponentially more fucked up.

**Who wouldn't notice him in their kitchen in a tight, white, undershirt/tank-top/beater (whatever you want it call it)? Sexy bastard!**

**What would you do if he knocked on your door in the middle of the night wanting to check on your well-being?**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Any recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective owners.**

**See AN at the bottom please. Mwah.**

**Oh, Sosiego=Serenity in Spanish (At least that's what iTranslate says).**

RPOV

I don't know what made me drive over there in the middle of the night like that. In my head I knew she was fine, that she was warm and safe in her bed, but I couldn't stop myself from jumping in my car and driving over there as fast as I could. I realized what a head-case I was when she answered the phone groggily and not thirty seconds later was ushering me into her house. I was destined to burden this woman no matter what my intentions were. If I kept running to her to come down from these episodes she'd never see me as anything other than a weak loser. There was something incredibly restorative in her touch though. When she hugged me, I felt a match flare of warmth inside me. I already knew that she was instrumental to me feeling like a human again, but maybe not in the capacity I had thought. When I got it stuck in my head that in order to assuage my guilt for the loss of her husband I needed to do things for her, I was probably wrong. Yet every time I'm near her I feel…something. Like I might be able to become my old self again. Laugh again, enjoy things. Heal.

I never went to sleep that night…morning…whatever. I wouldn't have been able to handle another one of those dreams. I purged some demons by taking an extra-long run. I ran so hard the only thing I could concentrate on was pulling more air into my burning lungs and pushing my screaming legs harder. It was 8:00 by the time I dragged my exhausted ass over my threshold. I stood in the shower until there was no more hot water left, wrapped a towel around me and sat at the end of my bed staring a hole in the shrink's card. I must have sat there for a half an hour trying to drum up the courage to call that number. I finally punched in the numbers and had to close my eyes to hit send.

"Hello, Dr. Rossoli's office." Holy shit I was expecting a machine. I almost hung up, but stopped when I heard, "Hello?"

"Uh…Hi…ummm, I was given the doctor's card by a friend. I guess I need to make an appointment." My stomach was a mess right now. I fleetingly wished that Stephanie was here to hold my hand or something, but I knew that _I_ needed to do this.

"Dr. Rossoli isn't really taking any new patients on right now. Can I ask what you would like to be seen for?"

"Um…" I croaked.

_Why is this so fucking hard?_

"Umm…I'm a veteran. I've been home for a little while and I'm having some…issues." I blew out a breath.

"Have you tried the VA?" She said gently.

"Not yet. A friend gave me Dr. Rossoli's card and said that she's been helping her a lot.

"I see. How about this? Being that you were referred here I can squeeze you in for an evaluation in an hour and we can go from there?" I felt like yelling no down the phone, but swallowed down my rising panic.

"Umm, sure that sounds good. I'll see you then."

"Can I just have your name and insurance information please?"

I gave her all the pertinent information and hung up. I flopped backwards on the bed and did some deep breathing. Any last bit of endorphins that I managed to release during my run had been burned off making that phone call. I don't know how I was going to manage to make myself dress and leave for the doctor's office. I was lying there, hands over my face when my phone chirped a text next to me.

**Doing okay? ~Stephanie**

How does she always seem to know when I need someone?

**Yeah. Just made appt. with your Doctor, she's going to see me in an hour.**

It was pretty satisfying to send that text. What's that they say about alcoholics and addicts? The first step is admitting you need help. I guess that also goes for…whatever the hell was wrong with me.

**You did? We can talk about it later if you want, or not. You're going to like her, she's really good ~ Stephanie**

I thought about that for a second. How I managed to get this woman in my corner I'll never know. She was so shocked and devastated at our first meeting and so furious at our second that I never would've guessed she would become so supportive of me. She was kind of amazing, that she could find it within herself to not hate me and even offer me help with my own failings. No wonder Anthony had been so in love with her. Fierce and strong, she should've been a marine too.

**Thank-you for your help. Really. **I sent back.

**Anytime ~ Stephanie**

I sat up and got ready to go. Before I knew it I was standing in front of an office building on a quiet side street off Hamilton Ave. The weekend morning tranquility helping to calm my jittery nerves. I forced my feet to keep movingthrough the doors and to the elevator in the center of lobby. I felt sweat break out on my upper lip and forehead and wiped my damp palms on my pants. I could feel my breath get shorter the higher the elevator ascended. I had to have an internal argument to step out of the damn elevator and into the doctor's office. There was a dark haired woman behind the receptionist's desk who turned my way as soon as I made it through the door.

"Hi Mr. Manoso? I'm Dr. Rossoli. You can come straight back." She was staring intently at my face as she spoke to me. She reached out to shake my hand and didn't let go as we walked a few paces to an office. My anxiety ratcheted down a few notches once I was in the quiet office. It was bright and cheery in here. The weak winter sunlight poured in through open blinds bathing the flowering plants on the sill and there were soothing landscapes framed on the walls.

"Have a seat Mr. Manoso." She gestured to a comfy looking chair and pulled another up opposite. "Before I have you fill out paperwork, I want you to tell me why you think you should be here. You said this morning that you're a veteran. How long have you been home?"

"Umm…about six months." I was surprised at how strangled my voice sounded.

"You also said you've been having issues. Can you tell me more specifically about those?" Man, she really cut to the chase here.

"Uh, well I've been having trouble sleeping, I guess that's the main problem."

"Can you not fall asleep?"

"Sometimes…I mostly have a hard time staying asleep." The sweats were coming back and my stomach was starting to roll. Talking to Anthony's wife had been exponentially easier than this.

"Do you have nightmares Mr. Manoso?" I couldn't really answer, so I just nodded.

"Are they of your time in…where were you? Afghanistan?" Again I nodded.

"I want you to do something for me okay?" More nodding. "I can see that you're having a bit of anxiety right now right?" She said gently. "Can you close your eyes for me?" I did as I was told. "Good, now breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth, deep as you can. Listen only to me breathing okay?" She almost whispered. I modeled her breathing for a few minutes and felt myself slowly relaxing.

"You can open your eyes now Mr. Manoso." I blinked in the warm sunlight. "How are you now?"

"Better, thank-you."

"Before you go I'm going to instruct you on meditation, but for now I'd like to talk more about why you're here. If you feel like your panic is getting the better of you at any time I want you to stop and do what we just did again okay?"

"Yes."

"Is there a recurrent theme in your nightmares?"

"Usually yes…" I trailed off.

"How do you come out of them?"

"I wake up and do something around the house, go for a run, go for a drive. I have a hard time going back to sleep afterwards."

"That's not uncommon at all." She hesitated. "Have the army…"

"Marine Corps." I interrupted.

"I'm sorry, Marine Corps." She said with a little smile. "Have they offered any services to you?"

"I haven't asked for any. You're my first stop."

"Okay. Let's go back to the nightmares. What happens in them?"

I gave her as brief a summary as I could. I'd seen so many awful things during my two tours, yet seeing that brave man die under the weight of all that smoldering debris was just…so hard to elucidate. I think she got it and didn't push me too hard on some of the details I glossed over. She sat back after a while and glanced at her watch, I did the same and noticed that our time was almost up already.

"Mr. Manoso, what I had you do earlier was like a mini-meditation. What I want you to do before you go is think of a word that soothes you, any word will do. As long as the repetition of it will calm and center you."

_Sosiego. Mama used to say sosiego when we would cry when we were little. _

"Do you have one?"

"Yes."

"Good, now every morning and every afternoon after work, but before dinner, I want you to sit somewhere quiet and comfortable and won't be disturbed. You'll need to sit for twenty minutes per session, eyes closed, breathing deep and repeat that word to yourself, over and over. This is called transcendental meditation, or mantra meditation. The key is to focus all your energy on that word alone. To enter a higher state of consciousness by blocking out all external and internal stimuli. It sounds very new age and holistic I know." She held up her hand to the skeptical look on my face. "But I've seen it keep full blown panic attacks at bay. If it's done faithfully it can even prevent them. How often would you say you have panic episodes?"

"Really not a lot. This last week I've felt like this a few times, but I think it's more that I've actually been talking about it. I've never been walking around going about my day and had a panic attack out of nowhere."

"Not to trivialize what you're going through, but that is also fairly common. Now, from the symptoms we've discussed and the signs you've displayed here in my office, I'm giving you a preliminary diagnosis of PTSD." I felt my heart sink. Whether or not I had already guessed as much was irrelevant. Hearing a professional say it was just…"We have more diagnostics to perform of course, and more work to do before we arrive at a definitive diagnosis, but this will get the ball rolling on treatment for you. Also I have two organizations for you to contact that I think could help a great deal. The first is the Wounded Warrior Project and here is the person you need to contact there." She said handing me a card.

"I'm not wounded though."

"I beg to differ. Psychological wounds are just as devastating as physiological ones, sometimes more so. The Wounded Warrior Project is a non-profit organization that is dedicated to all wounded vets and their recuperation. They have a few programs that I think could help you. Also there's this." She handed me a second card.

"Veteran Canine Connection?" I asked reading the card aloud.

"Yes, they're also an NPO. They'll explain it better, but they have vets with PTSD puppy raise assistance dogs that will eventually go to a physically disabled veteran. It's a wonderful program. Now, you should come back here twice weekly at first."

"Twice?" That seemed like a lot to me.

"Just for a little while. As a psychologist I can't prescribe medications. The therapy techniques I prefer using in cases such as yours are pretty intense in the beginning and it's better if you can come more often. Unless you'd like to try medications first? I know a great psychiatrist that I could refer you to."

"Do you think I should try meds?" I hated the idea of taking pills just to feel normal.

"Given that the bulk of your issues center around sleeping and you've only had a few panic episodes, I think maybe we should give talk therapy a go first. If you contact those two organizations I think that will be pretty therapeutic as well. Do you have a support system? Family, friends?"

"My family doesn't know I've been having problems…I have a friend that's offered me support. She's the one who sent me here, Stephanie Morelli."

"Oh! I know her. She's pretty great." She said with a smile

"Yeah, she is." I felt my own lips tug upwards.

"Okay so you can come back Tuesday? Around 6:00 pm I have time. Does that work for you?"

"Yeah, that'd be perfect."

"Good." She penciled me into her book on her desk. "It was really good to meet you Mr. Manoso." She said shaking my hand. "Call those numbers I gave you before you come in again. I think they'll be right for you."

"I will. Thank-you." I turned and walked out of the office, I felt a bit lighter just knowing that I'd done something to get out from under this. I knew I had a long way to go, but this felt like a real start.

**AN: Most cases of PTSD are treated with a combo of meds and talk and cognitive therapies. The primary complaints that I've seen in my research is that the meds turn you into a zombie and are notoriously difficult to achieve the right cocktail of anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Also from the blogs I've been reading the patients feel like rather than working towards actually getting better the focus slips to management of symptoms when drugs are brought into the equation. It works for some and doesn't for others. I don't want that for our Lieutenant. **

**The two organizations I mentioned are real and are incredibly helpful to our returning heroes.**

**www . woundedwarriorproject and**

**warriorcanineconnection (remove the spaces) both are non-profit organizations and exist primarily on donations and fundraisers, so if you're looking for a charity to donate to, check them out. **

**This will probably be the only therapy heavy chapter for him. He will continue to go, but I'm not a mental health professional and I'm not that comfortable writing therapy sessions when I only have the vaguest idea of what happens there. My only personal experience is with the behaviorist who saw my son, who has high-functioning Autism. Their methods are very different!**

**Thank-you for all the love this story is getting. You guys are the greatest.**

**EA xoxo**


	10. Chapter 10

**Any recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended. This plot, however, is all mine.**

SPOV

I was just draining the water from the spaghetti when the doorbell rang. I'd been so worried about Carlos all day. I know my first session had been emotionally exhausting and my problems were not nearly as severe as his. Alex was sitting on the floor building block towers so I left him to it and hurried to open the door.

"Hey, come on in. Holy moly, it's freezing!" I shivered against the gust of wind that blew in with him and quickly shut the door.

"Hi. Here this is for you." He held out a small potted jasmine bush. "I wanted to say thank-you for all you've done for me."

"Oh! You didn't have to do that! Thank-you. Hang your coat up and come in to the kitchen." I scooted in to the kitchen, slightly worried at the lack of noise, but Alex was still sitting where I left him, happily building away. I scooped him up and turned to introduce them.

"Alex, this is Carlos. Say hi, baby."

"Hi." He chirped.

"Carlos, I know you've met before, but that was a while ago, this is my little guy, Alex." He smiled down at my boy.

"Hey Alex. You got so big since the last time I saw you! Can you high five?" He held his palm out towards him and Alex slapped it with his little pudgy hand. Carlos shook his hand like it stung. "You are so strong little man!" Alex started giggling like mad, making us laugh too. No one was immune from that giggle. I probably have an hour's worth of recordings on my phone of that laugh alone.

I looked up at the lieutenant and couldn't help but notice the difference from the incredibly tense man that showed up at my door before dawn this morning and the one standing in my kitchen laughing and making funny faces at my son tonight. I kind of hated that every time I saw him I found something more attractive about him. Right now his broad smile revealed perfect, white teeth and tiny crinkles around his eyes. It was such a genuine smile and it was incredibly heartwarming to see real happiness in his face. He looked at me and we locked eyes for a second before I turned away and popped Alex into his high chair, trying to convince myself that I wasn't just staring at this man with a whole lot of…admiration.

"Um, go ahead and have a seat." He went to sit right next to Alex. "Oh! You might want to sit on the other side of the table. He's a bit of a messy eater." Alex and spaghetti, while entertaining to watch, took a while to clean up after.

"This is fine." He assured me. I picked up the little plant and smelled the delicate flowers.

"This is lovely, thank-you again, it's one of my favorites." I said setting it in the windowsill over the sink.

"I'm glad you like it."

I put everything in serving bowls and turned to set them on the table only to find Carlos right in front of me.

"Here let me help you." He took the two bowls out of my hands, his fingers brushing against mine. I felt my cheeks blaze and turned away so he wouldn't see and grabbed the garlic bread out of the oven.

_Get a grip Stephanie!_

I counted to ten in my head and turned back toward the table.

I wanted so badly to ask him how his appointment went today, but I was going to follow his lead. If he brought it up, then I'd feel like it was okay to broach the subject. He was more relaxed right now than I'd ever seen him, I didn't want to ruin that for him. I grabbed some plates and set about cutting up a meatball for Alex while Carlos kept him entertained.

"So, what else did you do today?" He asked me breaking off his banter with Alex.

"Oh nothing spectacular, errands, food shopping. Took a snuggly nap with this little guy here." I said chucking Alex's chin. He was too busy shoving pieces of meatball in his mouth to break his stride though. "How about you?" There, that was asking without asking right?

"Well, I had that appointment. Then I went home and just hung around for a while, got some work done. I took one day off this week and you wouldn't believe the backlog." He said shaking his head. He really was pretty good at changing the subject.

_Okay, hint taken Carlos._

"He can really put food away, huh?" He was watching Alex eat with wide-eyed amazement.

"Wait till you see him with cookies! That's what I made for dessert. The way he's growing, he's going to be huge I think." Alex was already in the 95th percentile for height and weight.

"Anthony was about my height right? He's probably going to be big like him." Hearing him say Ant's name felt like someone had dumped a pitcher of ice water on me.

"Yeah…yes." I said quietly.

We sat in silence for a while then. The only noises coming from my hungry boy, chattering away, oblivious to the hideous shame I was feeling right now.

_Why does this have to be so fucking hard? It's been two years since he passed away. Why do I feel guilty that I'm attracted to someone else? There, I thought it. I actually find another man appealing. That has to be a sign that I'm getting out of my funk, right? _

"Hey." I jumped when I felt him touch my hand. "You okay?" I pulled my hand away and refocused on my still full plate.

"Yep. Why?"

"You're not eating. This is delicious by the way." He scooped up a forkful. He made an overly blissful face when he popped it in his mouth, making me chuckle.

I relaxed a bit after that. I even let myself enjoy the fact that there was a non-relative at our table. Most of our visitors were family, or friends that were so close I considered them sisters.

Carlos turned out to be good company, once I blocked out those voices in my head. He told me about growing up in a house full of kids in Newark. He was the oldest of five and had been chief babysitter when his parents weren't home, which explained his natural ease with Alex. We talked about college and why we chose our careers. He really was like a different person than he was just this morning. He still looked tired and a bit haunted, but the way the conversation flowed was just…easy.

"Would you like to wait down here while I get this messy one cleaned up, or did you have to get going?" Alex was wearing more spaghetti and bits of cookie than he got in his mouth. This was definitely an 'only a bath can fix this' kind of mess.

"Yeah. I'd like to talk to you about some other things…if that's okay?"

"Of course, let me just dunk him in the tub and we'll be right back."

I gave the monkey a quick wash and dry and hurried back downstairs with the clean smelling boy in his jammas. Carlos was sitting on the couch with his head back on the cushions and his eyes closed. At first I thought he was asleep, but he rolled his head in my direction when I stepped on a squeaky floorboard. I set Alex down by his toy box and sat in what was becoming our regular seating arrangement. I pulled my feet up and tucked them underneath me and cleared my throat.

"What else did you want to talk about?"

"I…uh, checked out some of the suggestions that the therapist made today. She is pretty easy to talk to by the way." I nodded my head in encouragement. "The one, Wounded Warrior Project, they contacted me back right away. There's this weekend retreat that they do, some therapeutic thing. They're having one next weekend. I think I'm going to go." He said a bit uneasily.

I reached over and touched his hand. "I think that's a really good idea Carlos." He just nodded.

"They help out in other ways too, we're going to talk more about that when I come back." He took a deep breath. "I'm going to go to Maryland next month for the other thing she suggested. It's a group that provides assistance dogs to permanently disabled veterans. But they have guys like me, you know with uh…PTSD…raise them. They just had a litter and they want me to come there to see if it'll be a good fit."

"A puppy?" He smiled widely and nodded.

"That'll be amazing! You'll have to bring it here so he or she can meet Alex. He loves animals!"

"Yeah? You'd be okay with that? With me coming here again."

"I meant it when I said I wanted you to come over. You can come here whenever you want." Alex got tired of his toys and toddled over to us with a picture book in his hand and climbed up next to Carlos. He put it in Carlos' lap and said, "book?" Giving Carlos his big blue eyed stare. "Read?"

"You want me to read to you?" He looked from Alex to me for permission. I smiled and nodded.

"Go ahead, that seems to be his favorite right now." He flipped the cover open and Alex clapped and snuggled into his side.

"He's not shy is he?" Carlos said with a grin.

"Nope, never."

"Read!" Alex slapped the first page of the board book and looked up sweetly at him.

"Alex." He looked over at me. "Say please."

"Pease?" I covered my mouth so he wouldn't see me laughing and looked at Carlos. He looked equally amused. I was struck again by how different he looked. The animation on his face was so…he really was very, very good looking. He held my eyes for a second before giving his focus back to Alex. They read together for a while, with Alex naming some of his favorite items pictured on the pages, they had very quickly struck up a sweet little friendship.

By 7:30 Alex was starting to get droopy. I hated to break up their reading session, but if I let Alex sit up any longer he'd get over-tired and cranky.

"Alright you two, little man needs to get bed." I stood and bent over to pick him up. In the process my cheek brushed against Carlos' and I could feel his breath in my ear, making my heart thump wildly. I pulled back slightly and got trapped in his gaze again, inches from his face. So close I could smell his soap.

"Mama!" Alex's voice snapped me out of my trance. Flustered, I pulled the baby closer and tried to will my racing pulse back to normal.

"I…uh…I'll be back in a minute. Okay?" He cleared his throat and nodded slightly.

"Yeah…sure."

I practically ran from the room, up the stairs and into the bathroom.

"Okay baby, let mommy brush your teeth." I said as I loaded his toothbrush up, still breathing erratically.

_What the hell was that?_

I got him settled in his crib, sang his song and kissed him goodnight. As I pulled his door closed I looked at his father's framed medal hanging on the wall. I closed my eyes in anticipation of the weight of the now familiar guilt I felt around the lieutenant, but when it did come it was lighter than it had been just two hours before.

He was pulling on his jacket as I came downstairs. I was surprised to feel a little sad that he was leaving already.

"I should let you get some rest. You must be tired from my sorry ass waking you up in the middle of the night."

"Don't say things like that! For the tenth time, I want you to come here or call if you need me. There's no reason to try to muddle through on your own." I took a deep breath and thought really hard before I said what I had to say next.

_Do I trust him enough?_

_Yes…I really, really do._

"Umm…I'm going to show you where I leave the spare key, just in case you have another…dream, like you did this morning. I mean, my couch is pretty comfy."

"Wow, that's really…wow. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with though, Stephanie."

"Believe me, that's not my style. If I didn't think it would be okay, I wouldn't do it. Just text me or something if you do come in here. I don't want to have a heart attack thinking someone's breaking in!"

"Thank-you. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has done for me. I hope I don't have to use it though." He said with a soft smile.

"Me too. Now let me know when you get home?"

"I will. Find something for me to fix on Tuesday night, that's my next appointment. Is that okay? Around 7:00?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

He stepped closer. "Thank-you for tonight. I had a good time." His hand reached hesitantly out and slid into my hair to cradle the back of my head and he pulled my face closer. For one heart-stopping second his eyes flicked to my mouth and I drew in a sharp breath. He kissed me softly on the forehead and gently tugged me in to a tight hug. The warmth that exploded in my body was incredibly unnerving. I had to bite my lip to keep quiet. He released me after a few beats.

"Here I'll show you where the key is." I tried to sound like I was unaffected by his affection, but didn't think I totally pulled it off.

"Okay…yeah." He followed me outside and I pointed out the fake rock mixed with real ones around the side of the porch.

"It's the bluish one right there. Can you see it?" He was standing close enough behind me that I could feel the heat radiating from his body and I knew if I turned around, I'd do something stupid.

"Yes, I see it." He said quietly. "You should get inside. It's freezing out here." He rubbed his hands up and down my arms and the tiny moan I let out at his touch was, thankfully, swallowed up by the wind whipping around us. I shivered and made my way up the steps, stopping at the door. He was still standing in the driveway looking deep in thought. I waved and he snapped out of it, smiling that soft smile and waving back. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me, watching him drive away through the glass. I turned and leaned back against the door. Stunned that I was so physically aware of him that I could still feel his fingers in my hair.

**AN: If you're having a crappy day, do a youtube search for 'Best Babies Laughing Video Compilation'…Better than Zoloft!**

**Please let me know what you thought of this. This is the first time I'm writing a slow burn and I don't want to drag it out too much. They're both a little fragile yet to jump into anything though. **

**EA xoxo**


	11. Chapter 11

**Any recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective owners, no copyright infringement is intended. This plot, however, is all mine. **

RPOV

I actually had two nights in a row without a nightmare after spaghetti night. Consequently, I was feeling lighter than I'd felt in a long time, having actually slept. Monday night was pretty brutal though, but not for the same old reasons. For the first time in a long time I'd had an incredibly sexy dream, but it was the realization of exactly who my partner was that had me wide awake and unable to even shut my eyes against the onslaught of images that flashed through my mind.

I took my usual drive. Sitting outside her darkened house for a while, debating whether to use the key she'd told me about. She'd meant for me to use it if I was having problems, not because I'd suddenly become… attracted to her. She was so supportive and caring, but she was also beautiful and incredibly desirable. There had been some moments after dinner when I could feel something crackling between us. She had bent down to pick up the baby from my lap and her face brushed against mine. Her proximity making my breath catch. She gasped and pulled back slightly, locking eyes with me, frozen until Alex called her name and she hurried away. I sat on her couch, stunned. It had been a long time since I'd seen anyone in a romantic light, but damned if she didn't make my pulse pick up. I decided leaving was probably the best idea after that, not knowing what to think of what I was feeling.

The level of trust she showed in me, telling me where her spare key was and offering a bit of a safe haven was remarkable. I didn't even stop to think before I pulled her close, tangling my hand in her thick curls. I caught myself thinking about kissing her, so I detoured and kissed her forehead instead. The feeling of her warm skin on my lips was indescribable. Before I knew it I was hugging her tight. I'd been thinking about her so much over the last few days. It was really no wonder I had dreamed about her.

I put the car in reverse and backed away slowly. Not ready to think about what this all meant.

As Tuesday rolled on, I started to find the banality of my work far too fascinating to leave the office. I could feel my heart rate multiply in direct correlation with the clock ticking down to appointment time. My anxiety wasn't unwarranted, we talked about some really, really bad shit. I was so grateful I had skipped dinner before going there. I was so fucking nauseous by the time we finished that there was no doubt in my mind that my stomach would have vacated any contents.

There was definitely a feeling of heaviness when I left. The only thing I had to look forward to was the promise of some type of physical exertion when I got to Stephanie's house. She had texted me yesterday to say that there was some dripping pipe in the basement that could use some attention. When I pushed open the office's lobby door, I saw that the gray, brooding skies that had loomed all day had finally decided what they were going to unleash on us. Fat blobs of sleet had started to pelt down, already making the sidewalk slick. I hurried to my car and made my way to Stephanie's.

By the time I pulled up behind her newly fixed car, it was coming down even heavier. I grabbed my bag from the back seat and hustled up the porch steps, feeling drops of icy cold slush drip down my neck. She must have seen me pull up and already had the door open with my little buddy Alex on her hip.

"Hey! Come on in." She smiled brightly at me.

"Hi." I bent and kissed her cheek…_mmm she smells good…_and high fived Alex.

"Oh! Your head is soaked! Let me get you a towel. You look nice by the way." She turned and I followed her into the kitchen. She reached into a basket of folded laundry and came up with a soft, white towel. Handing it to me as she set Alex down.

"Do you have something to change into? I don't want you to ruin your suit working in my creepy basement." I held up my bag.

"Is it okay if I use your bathroom to change?"

"Yeah go for it, top of the stairs, to the left."

Closing the baby gate at the top of the stairs, I saw three open doors, the bathroom, Alex's room, Steph's room and a closed door. Maybe a guest room? I could see into the nursery. All white wood furniture and a comfy looking chair. Above the chair was a framed Medal of Honor. The blue ribbon blending with the blue paint on the walls. I backed out of the doorway and went into the bathroom. Unsure what to think of the placement of that medal. It was the top honor a serviceman or woman could receive, yet she had put it in her son's room.

I quickly changed into clean gym clothes and headed back downstairs to the kitchen, where Alex was busy shoving cheerios in his mouth.

"Where is the pipe you want me to look at?"

"Just give him a minute and I'll take you down there. Did you want something? Are you hungry?"

"Coffee would be good." She nodded and fired up the keurig. We chatted while Alex finished eating. I'd noticed the other day that she wouldn't directly ask me about my session, but she definitely left the topic open for me to jump in and unload. She did the same today. Not overtly hinting, but casually dancing around what she obviously wanted to know.

When Alex was done, she scooped him up and took me downstairs.

"Tools are over there." She pointed to a work bench in the corner. "If I don't have what you need, I'll go pick it up at the store."

"I'll make do, it's getting really slippery out there."

"If you're sure. Let me just go and put this little guy in bed and I'll come back and help you out. Say night Alex."

"Na-night." He said with his head tucked into his mom's neck.

I rubbed the silky baby curls on the back of his head.

"Night buddy." He gave me his four-toothed grin and closed his eyes.

Steph was back in a few minutes and set the baby monitor on the workbench.

"Okay, what do you need me to do?"

"Nothing, I got it under control." I said as I got to work.

We were quiet for a while, me, trying to ignore the fact that she was just a few feet away in a little tank top and tight work out pants, and she, seemingly waiting for me to start talking.

"So," I said, finally breaking the silence. "I'm almost done here, you'll have to find something else for me to do on Friday night. I have another session with Dr. Rossoli."

"Oh yeah, how did it go today?" I guess she got tired of waiting for me to start talking.

"It sucked to be quite honest. I'm going to have to get used to talking about this stuff, but Christ, it wasn't fun."

She stepped closer and put her hand on my arm. "It'll get easier Carlos. I promise."

"I know." I swallowed hard and looked down at her hand on me, enjoying the feeling of warmth she seemed to be able to instill in me.

"Are you going to that retreat you were talking about?"

"Yeah I'm going to leave first thing Saturday morning. It's about a three hour drive."

"You nervous about it?"

"Not yet. I'm sure I will be when I go."

"We could drive you out there and come pick you up if you want. That way you wouldn't be alone." She offered with a look of genuine concern.

"I can't ask that of you. I don't think 6 hours there and back in two days would be good for you or the baby. I'll be alright."

"You'll call if you need me, right?" She asked worriedly.

"I will." I couldn't help but smile at her worry. "You really are a good person, you know." She blushed a bit and mirrored my grin.

Changing the subject she said, "Are you hungry? The least I could do is feed you."

"Nah, I'll grab something on the way home." I said as I finished up the pipe. "I think that should do it."

"Thank-you, and don't be ridiculous. Come on I'll make you a sandwich or something." She pulled the pipe wrench out of my hand and set it down.

I followed her up the stairs, paying far too much attention to how those pants fit her. She spun around to say something, as I moved forward and we collided, my hands automatically catching her waist, steadying us both. We just stared at each other for a second.

_And…there's more of that tension._

She backed away slowly and opened the fridge, busying herself with making a sandwich. I went to the sink and scrubbed the grime off my hands, thoughts swirling like the soap suds circling the drain.

"C'mon in the living room Carlos, we can sit there while you eat."

I followed her again, this time keeping my eyes resolutely on the back of her head. She set my sandwich down on the coffee table and moved to peek out the window. I could hear the faint plinking of ice against the glass and stood next to her to see what the weather was doing.

"Shit, there's got to be at least an inch of ice out there." I muttered. "I'll be right back." I slipped my jacket on and carefully stepped outside, immediately getting pelted by thousands of tiny little balls of ice, and surveyed my car. Every door was frozen shut and there was already three inch icicles forming off all the bumpers and door handles. I slipped and slid all the way back up the stairs and shivered my way back into the living room, where Stephanie had the local news on.

"They said it's a state of emergency!" She said looking alarmed. "No one should be on the roads but emergency personnel. It's not going to let up until 9 or 10 in the morning!"

"Jeez, I hope the power holds out." Her eyes widened a bit more.

"I'm not letting you drive home in this. You pick, the couch or there's a small bed in the spare room."

"Stephanie, I can't stay here. I have to go to work tomorrow."

"No you don't," she huffed, "they just said all government buildings will be closed tomorrow. That would include you right?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Pick one, couch or spare room." She demanded.

"Couch, I guess, but I really should go." I called after her as she went up the stairs.

"No you shouldn't." She argued back. She hustled back in in a few minutes, arms laden with pillows and blankets. Dropping them on the floor, she gave me a watered down glare and said, "You're not going to fight me on this are you?" Standing there, hands on hips, looking like a petite drill sergeant, I had to look away before I laughed and made her even angrier.

"No ma'am." She quirked a brow, but relented.

"Eat your sandwich lieutenant." She growled.

"Yes ma'am." I gave her a salute, making her laugh.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be pushy. I'm just not willing to let you drive home in that." She pointed to the TV, where some poor reporter was standing outside, teeth chattering, telling everyone how treacherous it was.

I munched on my monster sandwich while we watched the weather report. Apparently we could look forward to a record breaking string of below freezing temperatures. I looked over at the fireplace, there was a small stack of wood sitting next to it, but the grate was spotless.

"Do you ever use the fire?" I asked her.

Her eyes had been focused on the TV. But she seemed to have been very deep inside her head. "What?"

"The fireplace? If you lose power from the storm, you're going to lose your heat."

"Oh! Sorry I was just…my dad had the chimney cleaned, but I haven't used it. I've been worried about Alex getting too close and getting hurt."

"Is there more wood? What you have there isn't going to last long."

"Yeah, there's a huge pile in the shed. I'll go get some more if we need it."

"I'll get it. Is the shed locked?" I stood, grabbing my empty plate.

"Yes, but there's no light in it." She jumped up and grabbed her coat from the coat-stand. "I'll grab a flashlight." I opened my mouth to tell her to stay inside, but she was already through the kitchen, opening the back door with a huge Maglite in her hand. I caught up with her and we made our way carefully across her backyard that was quickly turning into an ice rink. I was a relief to stand in the dark, dank little shed, just to be out of the weather for a second. I had her put as many pieces of wood in my arms as she could and followed her back inside. She slipped her coat off and turned to help me put the wood on the hearth. I nearly dropped every log I was holding. She was still only in that thin little top and I could very clearly see how cold she still was despite the warmth in the house. I dragged my eyes upwards to her bemused face.

_Oh yeah, she saw you staring at her nipples. Good going…_

"Sorry." I mumbled stupidly. She drew in a breath to say something, but seemed to change her mind at the last second, opting to ignore what just happened. She simply unloaded the wood. As soon as she was done I whipped off my sweatshirt and handed it to her. She slipped it on silently and went into the kitchen, coming back in a few minutes with some coffee for us.

"Thanks." I said quietly, accepting my mug.

"Sure." She said and curled up in her chair. I feigned interest in the news channel for a while, waiting for her to bring up my wandering eyes or change the subject. I felt the weight of her stare and turned to see her smiling slightly.

"It's alright, you know."

"What is?" She rolled her eyes at my dodge.

"I would've looked too. No big, okay?" Her smile grew and before I knew it I was grinning too. "Just don't make a habit of it. Friends aren't supposed to do that."

_Friends…right._

"You have my word." We lapsed into silence then and I was getting more and more sleepy. My eyes slid shut a few times before I stood and stretched.

"Is it okay if I use your bathroom again? I can't keep my eyes open."

"Of course. Oh! You know what? My dentist keeps giving me toothbrushes every time I go for a check-up. I'll grab you one." She led me upstairs and rustled around in the cabinet for a second, producing a hot pink toothbrush wrapped in plastic.

"Sorry, it's not a manly color, but it'll still do the job, right?" She laughed quietly as she scooted out to let me do my thing.

She was closing Alex's door as I came out of the bathroom.

"He's a little restless tonight." She moved closer and whispered. "I'm going to head to bed now in case he has trouble sleeping later. Are you sure you don't want the spare room?"

"No, the couch is fine." I insisted.

"We'll probably both end up down there with you if we lose power. It gets cold pretty quickly if the heat goes out."

"Okay, goodnight then." I stepped up to her and held my arms out. I was becoming quite addicted to our hugs and was pretty sure she enjoyed them too. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck and I circled her waist, drawing her in close. That warmth I usually felt around her, swelled and grew until it suffused every inch of me. Filling me with a sense of well-being and self-worth. She must have felt the rapid tattoo of my heart against her cheek, but she stayed there for a minute more before pulling away. Who knew that affection would be so therapeutic? I dropped a kiss on her head and made my way downstairs. Leaving a few lights on, I made up the couch and crawled under the heavy blankets. They smelled faintly of fabric softener, like her.

I had no trouble falling asleep that night.

**AN: No joke, here in NJ, we've had the worst winter that I can remember. Seriously, it's April and I don't think it was supposed to go over 50 degrees today! We had so many State of Emergencies this winter that I decided to give one to these two. **

**I promise to try to get them out of the house next soon, if not next chapter, then the next one.**

**Love,**

**EA xoxo**

**P.S. let me know what you thought? If you do maybe I can send the Lieutenant** **to "Fix" something for you.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Any recognizable characters or places herein are the sole property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended. This plot, however, is all mine. Hope you like!**

SPOV

I was still tossing and turning two hours after going to bed. I hated laying here staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come. I was a little over-heated, you see. I still had Carlos' sweatshirt on and really didn't want to take it off. It smelled like his soap, like woods and fresh air, and I was huffing it like an addict. Not to mention I had left my door open in case he needed me. I was worried that after his draining therapy session tonight, he might have a nightmare or trouble sleeping.

I also couldn't shake the way he'd looked at me tonight. Yeah, it had been two years since I'd even noticed someone looking at me like that, but the way his eyes had glazed over was unmistakable. I was sure, though, that it was pretty typical male reaction to seeing any woman with nipple hard-ons, so I didn't take it all that personally. But now, here in the dark, his scent surrounding me, remembering the look in his eyes and the way my body fit against his when he embraced me, was doing crazy things to me. I could feel a dull achy throb in parts that hadn't been touched by even myself in more than two years. I squeezed my legs together in the hopes that would quell the ache, but it only intensified it. I blew out a deep breath and tried to clear my head. To no avail, just knowing that he was sleeping downstairs was playing havoc with my libido.

I gave up on sleeping, threw my blankets off and tip-toed into Alex's room. He was fast asleep, little bottom up in the air. I stood in his doorway for a minute and let myself look at the medal on the wall. If our situation had been reversed and I had been the one to leave these two behind. I really don't think I would want Anthony to still be alone. Not that I would ever want to see him _being _with someone else, but the loneliness I've felt since he's been gone has been excruciating at times, despite having lots of family around. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. There was so many times that it was just me around to see Alex's milestones and I had to pick up the phone and tell his grandparents alone. There was the appointment with the obstetrician clearing me to have sex after his birth, where I rolled my eyes and honestly thought that I would never want to have sex again. I imagined that if Anthony was there we would have celebrated by handing the baby over to one of our parents and heading straight to bed. Back then I would have found it inconceivable that I could be here, now, finding a man, a beautiful man with a beautiful heart, attractive in the most primal way. But the fact that he was somewhat damaged weighed heavily on my conscience, the calm relaxed Carlos of the last few days was such a dramatic departure from the man that broke down before me on my living room floor. I was convinced that all his energy should be focused on getting well and was determined to do everything I could to help get him there. Even if that included me quashing my own growing feelings for him.

As quietly as possible, I made my way downstairs and gazed at him sleeping peacefully on the couch. He had left a lamp on and the shadow that fell across his face elongated his lashes and accentuated his lips. He really was one of the most handsome men I had ever met. Even more so, the last few times I'd seen him, with his easy smiles and the little peeks he'd been giving me of his true character.

I was starting to feel a bit creepy watching him sleep, so I went into the kitchen and made some tea. I stood in the dark, steaming mug in hand, staring at the ice coating everything in my backyard and it was still coming down heavily. All the tree branches were drooping low, looking dangerously close to snapping off.

_I hope the power lines stay up._

Wouldn't you know it? As soon as I thought that, there was a tiny pop and the fridge and the microwave clock shut off.

"Shit!" I looked around trying to remember where I put my flashlight and found it next to the back door. I tip-toed into the living room and looked through the window at the houses across the street. All were dark and the streetlights, though sparse, were also unlit.

I felt him standing behind me before he even touched me, yet I still had to stifle a tiny whimper when his hands settled on my shoulders.

"Power out?" He said quietly.

"Mmmhmmm."

"Do you want to wait and see what happens or do you want to go get Alex now?"

He was very close behind me, still holding on. I had to battle with my lungs just to get them to breathe and my heart was pounding so loud in my ears I was surprised he couldn't hear it.

"Let's just wait for a few. If it doesn't come back on in a half an hour then I'll bring him down." I whispered tremulously.

"Don't worry Steph, it'll be okay." He must've mistaken my shakiness for worry and he pulled my back to his front and wrapped his arms around me. Really not helping the situation I was in. He was quite a bit taller than me and I could feel _him_ against the top of my butt, though he was calm. I felt my cheeks flush with heat and was grateful that the lights were out so he couldn't see. My breathing became even more erratic and he turned me around and cradled my head to his chest. His solidly muscled chest, that was covered in just one little thin layer of clean smelling cotton, his dog-tags tucked into his undershirt, hard under my cheek. Before I could stop myself I nuzzled my lips over the exposed skin above his heart and felt his breath catch.

I backed away from him as quickly as I could, muttering, "I'm going to set up Alex's pack and play over here." I pointed to the other side of the room, "Just in case." He nodded, but otherwise didn't move from his spot with his back to the window, his face lost in the dark.

I made it to the hall closet without breaking my neck and felt around blindly until I found it and heaved it out. I dragged it into the living room and saw that he was setting up some wood in the grate.

"Do you have some newspaper or something to get it started?" He called over.

"Umm, yeah, I'll be right back." I rummaged through the recycling pile by the back door and came up with last Sunday's paper and found the long tipped lighter in the junk drawer. I handed them over to him and got back to work on the crib. My job made significantly easier when the fire caught and I had more than the flashlight's beam illuminating the room. I locked the last side of the crib and joined him in front of the fire. He was standing very rigidly by the hearth, staring down the flames.

_Oh god! What if this is a trigger for him?_

"Hey," I wrapped my hand around the back of his arm. "You okay?"

His eyes snapped to mine and he smiled softly.

"Yeah, I thought it might…you know…the fire." I nodded. "But I'm okay with it." I moved my hand to scratch his still taught back and I felt some of his tension slip away.

"Come and sit down." I tugged his hand and he sat next to me on the couch. Right next to me, his thigh touching mine.

_I really don't need that fire to stay warm._

My hand automatically returned to his back, scratching circles, making him hum. I worked my way up his neck, over his scar and up into his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. It wasn't until he shifted slightly that I realized that I was leaning into him. The whole left side of my body plastered against him, his arm grazing against my breast. I shivered and moved away.

"Better now?"

"Yes." He replied, his voice a bit deeper than usual.

"I'm going to go get the baby and try really hard not to wake him up. It's so hard to get him to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night anymore." I babbled. I didn't wait for a response and headed upstairs to my little guy. And of course, he woke as we were coming down the stairs, looking all smiley and happy.

"No, no, no little man. It's not wake-up time. We just need to keep you warm." He giggled and squirmed to get down.

"Uh-oh, doesn't look like he wants to listen." Carlos came over and rubbed Alex's cheek. "Would it help if we all laid down and were quiet?" He asked softly.

"Probably, he's still tired, we just have to convince him of that. This doesn't happen a lot, but it might take a while."

"That's okay, it's not like we have anywhere to go tomorrow. Unless you want to kick me out at first light?"

"You can stay as long as you want." I thought about that for a second, I really did mean it. I trusted him, implicitly.

_Huh_…

"C'mon baby boy, into your bed here. We're going to camp in the living room tonight." I kissed his delicious chubby cheeks and laid him down, arranging his blanket around him. I backed away and by the time I was about to put my butt in the chair he had pulled up and was staring at me over the top of the porta-crib.

"Go to sleep buddy." He just shook his head.

"No, no." He held his little hands up high. "Alex up, Mama."

"No Alex, go to sleep."

"No Mama. Up pease?" We went back and forth for a few minutes, before I gave in.

"Okay, I know I shouldn't, but you win this one. Come on." I hauled him up and started pacing with him in my arms. Feeling heavier with each lap around the living room. The warmth of the fire making my eyes droop. Sure, _now_ I was tired, being he was wide awake. I couldn't have stopped the massive yawn that erupted if I tried.

"Here let me for a while." Carlos said already taking Alex out of my arms.

"It's alright. I've got it down pat." I said with my hands extended. Carlos held him out of my reach.

"Go lie down on the other end of the couch. We can all fit if we need to."

"It might take some time." I warned him, yawning and stretching.

"We'll manage. Go on, you look exhausted."

"Ugh, I am." I kissed Alex's cheeks again and curled up on the couch. Watching them for a while. This was unchartered territory for me. My parents helped out when Alex was just born, one of them staying in the spare room for the first few weeks, but most of the late night duties fell to me as I was exclusively breastfeeding. It was surreal to see someone else taking care of what had been my responsibility from the very beginning. Alex looked so small in his arms and I had a flash of insight into how it was for non-single moms. I never minded doing all the work, but it would have been nice to have someone to take over when it was the middle of the night like this. It would be so easy to become melancholy at times like this, but I'd moved past the would've, should've stage of grief. It was such a waste of energy to think about all the things that Anthony was missing. He was gone and never coming back. I'd always love and miss him, but Alex and I still had lives to lead. Dr. Rossoli and I had spoken ad nauseam about this over the last few months and I was just starting to realize that she was right. It was up to me to allow myself to let him go.

I was jostled from my musings by Carlos easing himself down at the other end of the couch. Alex draped over him.

"Here let me take him." I whispered.

"He's fine. I don't want to wake him back up. Relax, go to sleep. I've got him."

"Well at least take your jacket back, you're shoulders are going to get cold." I stood and unzipped his hoodie and draped it around his shoulders. "Put your feet up." I told him. I tucked a blanket around the two of them and went to sit in my chair.

"What are you doing? Get back over here." He whispered.

"There's no room." My couch was oversized, but his long legs were taking up the length of it.

He scooched onto his side a little and held his unoccupied arm out for me. "Right here." He gestured to the sliver of space he'd vacated. "I promise I'll behave, besides we'll all be warmer this way."

_Can I behave though?_

I took a deep breath and looked at his beckoning hand. My horniness had ebbed with my serious thoughts and descending tiredness, but I'm sure being in this kind of proximity to him would change that quickly.

"Okay." I perched on the edge of the sofa and gingerly lay with my back to him.

"It'd be better if you face me Steph, more comfortable." He murmured in my ear, making my skin prickle. I sighed and steeled my resolve. I rolled over and wiggled under the blanket. The arm underneath my head going around me and settling on my hip, keeping the three of us tightly together. I looked at my little boys face, level with mine on Carlos' other shoulder. Eyes shut, little mouth slightly open, every once in a while making that vague sucking motion that babies make when deeply asleep and I got that heart expanding feeling I get a lot when I look at him. I looked up at Carlos, who was watching me closely and felt another, different bloom of a more indefinable emotion. I pushed down the urge to flee at intensity of it and craned my head up and softly kissed his stubble roughened cheek. I felt his chest expand under my palm and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Goodnight." I whispered to him.

"Goodnight." He answered, pressing his lips to my forehead.

I finally drifted off feeling warm and safe with my arms around them both.

**AN: So I stared at the blinking cursor after the first quarter of RR's next chapter for an hour before I gave up and wrote this instead. I don't want to force it, so I figured I should write what I'm hearing in my head. I'll probably be able to get back to that today now that this update is done.**

**Oh, and I know that you all are ready for them to get closer. They're not quite there yet, but they will get there eventually, I promise. I'm actually enjoying the UST. **

**I've been getting some lovely guest reviews that I can't reply to, so I'd like to thank-you for reading. So sweet!**

**Let me know what you thought.**

**Love, **

**EA xoxo**


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